__Nostalgic Chica Tales_

2009-09-15T07:41:00.002-04:00

An update has been long due. I'm more than halfway through my Delhi trip. When I reached here about three months back, I had just faced a huge setback, and had finally admitted to myself that one does not always get what one wants. Soon I was to discover that one could also get more than what one could want for oneself. Happiness took me completely by surprise.

So the last three months have mostly been spent in a happy trance, with intermittent spots of productivity here and there. I went to Nepal for three weeks to shoot my thesis film, which was quite an achievement. I did a two-week film related course at MCRC, Jamia University, which was interesting.

I made many personal breakthroughs with both family, and friends. I'm growing old I guess. I have this thing in me which pushes me to be more and more honest with people around me. I'm beginning to care even less and less about pleasing others. I'm beginning to have a better opinion of myself. Basically, life is pretty damn good in NC-land :)

Plan for the next month and a half includes a trip to Bangalore and Kerala; Diwali related festivities (card parties, melas, lights); more fun with Baby T, and family; and maybe some work.

Will try to blog more often. Hope you guys are doing well.

Drop me a line so that I know you're still around :)

2009-06-07T10:18:00.002-04:00

I'm at an airport. My twelfth time in the last three months. I'm headed home with a heart as heavy as my luggage. In every parting, there is an image of death. I've had way too many partings way too close to each other.

I get attached very easily to places and things, and sometimes to people too. This morning, I said goodbye to the apartment I've called home for two years. When I am back in this city, in 4-5 months, I will find another apartment that I will fall in love with, and then give it up in 6-8 months.

The last three weeks have been very stressful. I took tough decisions based on a pretense that I know what lies ahead. And I'm feeling very shitty right now.

In love with Croatia...

2009-04-21T16:48:00.005-04:00

Hello guys!
Very sorry for vanishing from the blogosphere. I have been in Croatia for exactly six weeks today. It has been a crazy and wonderful experience. I know I should have blogged regularly but I had trouble getting access to the internet. But I think it is better this way because now I will filter out all the silly details and tell you about all the awesomeness of Croatia!

That reminds me, I live with two Americans! Yes, I know, it is tough, but what can I say?! I'm just kidding. I've had a great time with my housemates. We have a two bedroom tiny apartment with a lovely patio and a beautiful view of the old town. I live in Dubrovnik, by the way. Croatia is a huge country, and I am studying in a small city, which is very popular amongst tourists on the Southern coast of Croatia. The southern part is very narrow so Dubrovnik is just a few mountains away from Bosnia. Which brings me to where I am right now - Zagreb.

Zagreb is the capital city of Croatia. It is an hour away by air from Dubrovnik. I arrived here this morning and will go back to Dubrovnik tomorrow night. The purpose of my visit is to get a tourist visa for Bosnia. I am staying at a really cool and strangely decorated hotel very close to the Main Center (sort of like Downtown Zagreb). I walked around all day today - to the Bosnian consulate, the bank, Mcdonald's, movie theatre, Indian resturaunt, and back to the hotel. I'm in love with this city. Dubrovnik is beautiful, but it is the kind of place you go for a month long holiday, if you can afford it. Zagreb is what you go back to after the vacation.

The city is like a minature version of New York city, with trams on the street in stead of the underground subway. Shopping places here got me drooling. I HAVE to shop tomorrow. I was also excited to come here because I love traveling alone, and even though my housemates are awesome (rest of the group can go drown in the Adriatic sea for all I care), I really needed some space. And I got more than I asked for.

The hotel I am at didn't have any single rooms available so they gave me a twin bedroom. I have two beds, two TVs (with English channels!!!!), two bathrooms, and two windows! I have a million photographs by now and it will be impossible to share them all with you. I will go back, edit some and then unpload them.

Until then, feel free to google places I talk about. Like Hotel Ilica (where I am right now) in Zagreb; Korčula (where we attended the special Good Friday procession); Dubrovnik and the charming Old Town; Lokrum (this crazy island where I will go soon); Ston and Moliston (where I had the most expensive and delicious meal till now - shrimp risotto); Mostar and Sarajevo (in Bosnia, where I will hopefully be this weekend), and finally Venice (hopefully next weekend)!!

There is some studying going on along with all of this, and a thesis proposal in the process of being prepared, and a trip back to America (another 3 weeks and 2 days left), a film festival with my film in it :) for which my parents will be present (!!), and finally a trip to India in June.

So until I blog again, adio!

2009-03-11T15:53:00.003-04:00

I'm here! In this beautiful part of the world. It's so different and picturesque, I feel like my words will not do it any justice. Will post pics soon...as soon as I start using my camera!

So yesterday when I arrived, it was really lovely and warm. Today was rainy all day. The apartment is really awesome. I'm sharing it with E and N. Our bathroom looks like a beach!

I shall not bore you with words that don't even come close to the breathtaking world that this is. The next 10 weeks will be all about war. My project here is most probably about the war that happened here in the 90's, and my thesis is about The People's War in Nepal. I have so much shit to read - books on the history of Dubrovnik (that's the city I'm in), the Croatian War, Maoism, a personal account of the Russian revolution, Naxalism in India - all this while I'm here!

Have to go home now - no internet at home :(

Okay bye.

It’s the end of the world as we know it...

2009-03-09T01:28:00.003-04:00

...and I feel fine!

Really, I do. Different, and just fine.

Have been in New York city since the past six days. I love it here. Just LOVE IT! All I want now, more

than anything else, is to live here. I'd forgotten how I miss city life.

It's 1:33 AM and I have to get up really early to go to the Italian consulate, and then catch my flight to Croatia in the evening.

Blogger is acting funny so I will try to make this brief.

I've been up to all of the following since I got here:

- had LOTS of shrimp - the best being shrimp dumplings, and a shrimp fajita last night

- met Russel Peters and saw him perform in NJ

- watched Caroline with 3D glasses, and three quarters of The Reader

- bought too many books including 2 about Croatia

- saw a man dressed in a leopard costume jump over seven women

- realized that I know the subway as well as any New Yorker

- had a lovely time in Central Park

- obviously this is too much pressure, and I'm blanking out

Anyway, you get the picture.

I feel like I'm ready to go through a major transformation in the next 3 months.

I have a lot to think about - a lot to learn, and unlearn.

Last night, just before falling asleep on my friend’s couch, I had thoughts that creep up on me from time to time about everything. They sound a lot like my mom. Last night they asked me about why I went through all this trouble of going to Croatia – why couldn’t I just stay where I was like everyone else? A few moments of regret and fear followed all of this, and then I fell asleep. This morning I remembered it like a bad dream. Its funny how I don’t get any of these thoughts while I make my decisions. It’s only later when I’m about to start out that this pinch of negativity appears. This negativity appears later because it is not really me.

All my decisions, big or small, are instinctive. They may be right or wrong in the end, but I know that I need

to take risks, I need to break the monotony, the pattern, in order to grow.

Anyway, I'm excited and looking forward to a period of reflection and creativity.

Wish me luck.

2009-02-28T10:29:00.002-05:00

The strangest thing happened this morning, apart from the fact that I woke up before 10AM. I woke up with a sprained right ankle. This is strange because I don't remember having a sprained ankle when I slept.

Though my left brain fails to understand this, my right brain does have an explanation. As some of you know already, the past few days of my life have been complex. I was forced to reevaluate my life choices which caused much turbulence in my mind. My fear was that I would translate that turbulence into the lives of others. Last night was the final test. I leaned on Faiz, and he delivered. I passed. Everything was magically back into place. Not the same place. A more evolved place, and that too without a scratch. Or at least that's what I thought, until I woke up this morning.

As a result, I limp around my room, smiling on the inside.

2009-02-25T10:53:00.002-05:00

Got my temporary residence visa for Croatia this morning. So I'm really going to live in Croatia for 10 weeks. Can you believe that?

I'm on top of the world!

2009-02-24T02:14:00.000-05:00

It's more complicated than ever, but never felt better.

2009-02-22T21:55:00.004-05:00

Are you wondering why this sudden rush of posts flowing through here? Well, I'm sick, in bed, without anything occupying my mind. I'm not sick sick. Just slight pain in the throat. Haven't had a smoke since last night and don't feel the need for one. Feel like having chicken soup with sweet corn. Will make it myself in a while. There is a variety of wine in the house - ruby vixen, pinot grigio, and riesling. What do you think goes best with antibiotics?

2009-02-22T18:18:00.005-05:00

In case you were wondering, I wasn't that drunk in that post. I just had a pint of beer, and a shot of Jim Beam. The party was fun. Some of the kids going with me to Croatia were also there. We were talking about apartments and all that. I'm planning to start a new blog for Croatia - lets see.

Btw, this girl I met on my way to Delhi in December said something that's been haunting me since. So she was the daughter of an American diplomat who has lived all over the world and is now studying in America while her family is in Delhi. She was telling me about how she feels like an outsider in America because even though she looks American, she has been brought up in different cultures and places, and finds it hard to adjust in America. When I asked her about where she believes her home to be, she said home is wherever I've lived in the past two years. At present, she said, home was Germany, where she had lived for two years before her family moved to India. A simple and practical definition of home - defined by a young woman who has dealt with a nomadic lifestyle all her life. I thought it was an interesting way to look at it, yet didn't think it would apply to me.

Now, as I come closer to completing two years in America, I feel a mix of relief, and sorrow. Relief because I feel more at ease here, which also makes me feel guilty. All this while I have been resisting the culture, language, people, lifestyle, etc. Over the last few days, it seems like I've changed so much. I'm finally okay here. I feel sad because I seem to have accepted this place as my home. My fear is (I don't even want to say it out loud - don't freak out sis) that I might not want to go back. That I might not like it there. That I will always miss this. But I guess I'll feel all of this for two years, according to that girl's rule, and then I'll feel at home in Delhi again :)

The film that I just finished - that's all about the experience of being away from home, and nostalgia, and uncertainty about the future. And I told myself that through the process of making this film, I should get over this and move on. You know, like give myself a new identity. There is obviously so much more to me than my nostalgia for home. I think that somehow this came true. It feels like it was through the film that I have begun to be more comfortable with my surroundings. As I edited it, over several weeks, I began to see myself through the three characters' eyes. This film has become an acknowledgment of my painful experience, and suddenly I don't feel defensive anymore. I guess that is a good thing, isn't it?

filmfilmfilm

2009-02-22T17:43:00.004-05:00

I thought it was a curious coincidence watching 'Delhi-6' and 'Jodhaa Akbar' back to back last night. Both are about fundamentally the same thing - religious suspicions leading to intolerance, and the struggles of one man whose radical vision of a peaceful coexistence gets him into lots of trouble. In the end, they obviously win in their immediate environments/time periods, and make us forget about the bigger picture.

I enjoyed both the films, though I think I liked 'Jodhaa Akbar' better. Maybe that's because of my ignorance of the history of the Mughal dynasty in India. I remember there were many controversies related to this film, but personally I couldn't care less. Also, the film starts with a disclaimer saying this is just one version of history. My preference for this film could also be because I was in the mood for a perfect love story. I liked the sub-plot of Jodhaa's warrior cousin, and their relationship. After a long time, or maybe for the first time, I liked Hrithik Roshan and didn't skip over the fight scenes involving him (when he is bare-chested, and also with the cool frock-like costume). It is terribly long, and I still got a feeling that a lot had been left out from the story. The songs I did skip over, except my favorite "Khwaaja".

'Delhi-6' was okay. I can't really say actually. I keep imagining what it would be like if I saw it in a theatre (I obviously watch it online) - if it would be better or worse. It was good and bad to see Delhi - old Delhi - a part of Delhi that I don't frequent but had been there on my last trip in December. One thing that did strike a chord was the dream sequence when Chandni chowk comes alive in Times Square. It was surreal. Rickshaws on the street, with street food vendors, and a cow giving birth on the crowded pavement. Anyway, so the business with the kaala bandar seemed quite unnecessary until the very end. It seems like they didn't have anything else to keep the story alive, so they kept going back to the monkey man. I love the music. Overall, I think it was a disappointment coming after Mehra's 'Rang De Basanti', which had many layers, and strong characters.

I still haven't seen Dev D. The print online is horrible - I can hear people talking and laughing in the theatre even before the credits begin. Billu was horrible. Horrible. Really horrible. Don't even think about watching it. I hate Shahrukh Khan more than ever. It's very much like Himesh Reshamiya's film where he is supposed to be a huge star. I hate actors playing characters that are even bigger than themselves - feels like they are trying to propagate a fake rock star image of themselves through the film. How can they agree to do something like this?

Anyway, so here is my latest obsession...

2009-02-21T02:48:00.002-05:00

time for a drunken post.

just cam e back from a party celebratig my frins 21 birthdays, i have decide to ignore the typos here. in care u didnt notice. its fu to let go once in a wbile right? so i had an even t ful day today.

submited m t film todau. if u wamt to waycj i ts going to be screened on monday night around 8pm.

i shoud sleep . i have to write a 4 page assignment an submit it b y noon tmorrow. hope u guys are all happy. peace.

p.s. it is snowing here, i wish i was back home.

2009-02-20T04:25:00.003-05:00

Just because I am up till 4:23 AM, I decided to let you in on my happening life.

Well, if you ask me, I am substantially happy these days.

Don't know what caused it.

Definitely my film has a lot to do with it.

You know, I have realized that my true happiness - the kind where I really jump with real, tangible joy - is work related. Maybe that has to do with having a workaholic father. Or a mother who believes in 'karma is dharma' or something like that. Or a sister who wants to do it all, and never gives up.

About my mother, maybe I didn't say it right, but come to think of it, she shows her faith in her god by doing work, like actual physical work, in the religious organization that she is involved with.

Doesn't it seem strange to see me write like this - like all thoughtful and reflective? Well, that's been a recent attempt of mine to go back to my roots, by which I simply mean spending more time thinking and wondering about the meaning of life and everything around me, like I used to when I was younger. I was a gem when I was young. I really was. And I knew it. Now I'm just old and grumpy. Constantly fighting my cynicism. Full of shit. And I know it.

Coming back to my point of this post. I actually wanted to explain why I don't write anymore. It's because I have a different account for my blog for which I have to sign up with nostalgicchica@gmail.com That is also where you email me if you are overflowing with love or hate for me and too shy to tell me so in public. Anyway, so you know how annoying it is to have to sign out from your regular gmail account and then sign in again when you are done blogging. You could say I'm lazy. I would say I'm just not motivated enough to go through all this trouble.

So here's the funny thing that I had to tell you. Maybe I should change my blog's name to NC's mom tales. Anyway, so my mom turned 53 yesterday. The sweet kid that I am, I ordered a basket of flowers and fruits online four days before her birthday. What else could I have done four days before her birthday? E-greetings wouldn't have worked. And I didn't want to write a mushy card, and I don't know how to write anything else. So I found this website designed to entice Indians living abroad to send gifts to their loved ones back home. They seemed pretty genuine, and affordable. They even have a midnight surprise option wherein, yes, they surprise your loved one at midnight - you genius! So anyway, I order this thing and try hard to keep it to myself, feeling all excited about surprising my mom. I talk to her and wish her in the morning. She doesn't mention being surprised. I talk to my sis and tell her to let me know if and when mom gets her surprise. I talk to my mom later in the day. She does mention the surprise. Gets all emotional and starts out saying something about loving the flowers but mid sentence changes the noun into a 'you'. Understandable, being emotionally dysfunctional and all. Then she says something priceless in her very unique style - you know like she wants to be sweet but just cannot be dishonest - she says, "the flowers are all dead - they really look like they've come from America". How does one respond to this?!

2009-02-10T18:36:00.005-05:00

So lets talk about the crazy and interesting music of Dev D. Please go to the official website and check out Mind Fuck (the strangest song I have heard in quite a while - don't even know how to respond to it!) It is on the Uncensored page so I couldn't link to it - the clip is called Dev D - X rated.

**Edited to add: Stay away from Lustline if you are below 18 - its quite funny though - you should check it out. I wonder why they put it there.**

I'm excited about Abhay Deol playing a modern day Devdas (who is addicted to drugs and not alcohol). Isn't he simply delicious?! I would pick him over freshly fried chicken momos any day.

Anurag Kashyap is one crazy man. I'm beginning to appreciate his unconventional style. When I attended his screenwriting workshop three years ago, I thought he was an asshole trying hard to sell his down-to-earth image. All he did was tell us stories of his Satya days with Ramu - and his rags to riches life story. Lets see what happens with Dev D. He's definitely done a good job with the music. Here is an interesting song.

I'm jumping with joy!

2009-02-10T17:44:00.003-05:00

1. My sis is so cool. She is following her dream. I am so proud of her. Last I spoke with her, she was trying to start studying late at night while I was rushing to finish an assignment. It was strange in a really good way. A few years back I could not have imagined the both of us in grad school at the same time, mostly because I never thought I would come so far. Awesomeness!

2. My friend is happy :) Life is beautiful. This friend and another one also happen to be in a Bollywood film that just came out. It's a silly one minute scene and their voices are dubbed by other people, but I'm still jumping!!!

3. I'm in a major Bollywood mood. Coming Saturday I will be in a local theatre watching Billu Barber - not some Brit filmmaker's take on India - but a real Indian film. Right now my standards are not too high - so I wasn't disappointed when I heard bad reviews of Dev D. I still wanna watch it!

4. This one just happened. I was looking for a song to share but never mind. This is wayyyyy better!

2009-02-04T22:42:00.003-05:00

I've been meaning to blog for sometime now. A lot has been going on around NC's home away from home. Unfortunately I have developed a habit of sleeping terribly late. Around 5 hours before I actually fall asleep, I tend to become completely unproductive. So basically I cannot work at night, and can't get up early enough to work before my classes, which leads to a lot of guilt all day. I lug myself around from class to work to meeting to class only to wish I was in bed at home.

Anyway, now the fun stuff. I bought my round trip ticket to Croatia! I got a super great deal on a student travel website. The only worry is that I still don't have a visa to that country. In the next 3 weeks I have to prepare for my 10 week long ~~holiday~~ term, apply for and miraculously attain tourist visas to Italy (meaning the whole of EU) and Bosnia, go to NYC for the same - all of this obviously after I complete my film, my rotoscoping assignment, and write two more essays for that godforsaken Middle Eastern film class. And then I'm all set for the Dalmatian coast :)

Other fun news: I shopped. Three cool t-shirts which gets my t-shirt collection into ten figures. Two summery shoe like things. And one beach flip flops with a palm tree and beach pattern on them.

What else. I had a historic meal last weekend. At my professor's house. I had a feeling it won't go well. I was wrong. It was the most painful 3 hours of my life. Really.

I always thought she talked too much. In my individual meetings with her regarding my project towards the end of last term, she paid less attention to my pathetically assembled multimedia than she did to my exotic roots. I enjoyed it, of course. Who cares about making meaningful films when the professor makes you feel like you're doing a great job by just talking in fluent English coming from where you do and all.

That's not entirely true, actually. She's sort of motherly - and has had a lot of professional experience - so I guess she's always concerned about the bigger picture and all that. Anyway, the strange thing about that night at her beautiful house was that she didn't get a chance to talk much. That's because her husband, who also happens to be a professor at a different university here and teaches German philosophy, loves the sound of his own voice and cannot speak in English. (Maybe that's why my prof was so impressed by my language skills :P) He only speaks in the native tongue of academia. As a result, everything flew over my head.

I was trying to adjust to this foreign man when the food was served. It looked lovely until I was proudly told that it was completely VEGAN! I somehow swallowed the two kinds of mushrooms in the cauliflower wraps (I have a deep unexplainable disliking for mushrooms). It was only the glass of red wine that kept me sane. I had to meet some friends after the dinner. They called a couple of times and I just couldn't answer the phone because he just wouldn't stop talking!

His favorite subject was of course the book he is writing. I don't get how people can say things like, I know that my book is going to be one of it's kind - the world needs such a book - I am the King of the World crap. I can tolerate confidence - but over-confidence is a BIG no-no.

Going back to the food - don't get me wrong. I am not against Vegans. It's just that when you invite someone to your home, you generally ask about what kind of meat the guests eat or don't eat, right? On the same lines, shouldn't I have been warned about the Vegan dinner I was going to be served? If she had informed me, I would not have refused, but at least been better prepared. Or if I had told them that I enjoy meat (more than anything else in the world) we could have eaten out where everyone would get a chance to choose their food - vegan or not.

Anyway, you would be happy to know that I have recovered from that meal (I really had a strange stomach ache after it) and had around twenty five chicken momos with chilly garlic sauce for dinner tonight, just like home :)

2009-01-22T18:46:00.002-05:00

The other good news is my hard drive. As unbelievable as it sounds, I got ALL of my stuff rescued for no cost at all. I have two brand new hard drives - a 1T and a 250GB - and I feel much better.

I also started editing - well, sort of. I started logging the footage. Made backups. All of my footage is safe. Strangely I am enjoying spending 3 to 4 hours every day in the editing suite. I will have to increase the time starting next week since there is so much work to be done. I have no idea what its going to look like. I really really want to make my very own film this time - without any influence of my faculty. I'm confused about a lot of things - hopefully things will take shape soon.

More later.

Oh wonderful Slumdog!

2009-01-22T10:11:00.003-05:00

It's back again to make me happy :) Oscar nominations have been announced. Slumdog Millionaire is nominated for:

Best Picture

Best Cinematography

Best Director

Best Film Editing

Best Original Score (A.R. Rahman!!)

Best Original Song (two songs from Slumdog compete with only one other song from WALL-E)

Best Sound Editing

Best Sound Mixing

Best Adapted Screenplay

'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button' has received 13 nominations as compared to Slumdog's nine. So get ready to watch the Oscars on Feb 22. A.R. Rahman will probably be thanking the 'Aaalmighty' once again - and Anil Kapoor dancing like a monkey, but who cares when their film is making everyone on Ellen's set dance like monkeys..

Lots of good news :)

2009-01-20T23:33:00.003-05:00

Okay so I can now breathe and rid myself of the guilt of being in this country. I know Obama is not really all that he is made out to be, but he is not Bush. More than the color of his skin (even though I do realize the significance of a Black President), it is his diverse background and life experiences that make me respect what he has achieved today. Every one has been talking about history being made and all that. I don't understand the big deal with this maybe because I haven't really seen history being made anywhere around me in my life before this, but today I could just feel it in the air. My whole campus came to a stand still this morning. Every building had TVs turned on and students, faculty, staff, everyone was glued to the screen. I went to pick up my hard drive (which is the other good news btw) and these four people in the office looked confused and annoyed when they saw me enter. Obama's speech was on! Yes, its true. I did not watch his oath or speech. I walked out of that building to find the generally crowded pathway absolutely deserted. I saw TV screens through dark tinted windows all around me. Even in my own building, TVs seemed to pop up everywhere. Feeling strangely nice I went to my car and drove home. I had a lovely lunch of freshly baked croissants, peppered turkey and pound cake with apple juice while I watched the replays of all that I missed in the morning. Then I decided to skip class and celebrate the new President by watching the inauguration parade and eating more pound cake. Even my parents stayed up till midnight in India to watch Obama's speech! And it was when he said "America is a friend of each nation and every man, woman, and child who seeks a future of peace and dignity", that for the first time I felt welcomed in this country.

never mind

2009-01-18T23:23:00.004-05:00

So it turns out that the new year is not really all that happy for one amongst us. After the ugliness of my cold sore, and the untimely death of my external hard drive meaning an early death of my film, this time it had to be some real bloodshed. And so I cut my finger today. By accident, it seems, but very appropriately timed in the unlucky string of events that has become my life.

As soon as it happened, I shook my head, because I realized that I'm still in that Shani phase or whatever you want to call it. The second thought almost instantly after the first was "which hand is it?" Thankfully, my left, not that it matters so much anymore. It was the end of a long shoot and we were just wrapping up when it happened. I drove home and put a band aid on it. I miss home. I think this is all a ploy to make me realize that I'm not meant to be here. Whose ploy?, you ask. God or whatever you want to call it. I miss so much. I miss people, places, things, words, moments, feelings, friends, especially those who left. I want to be here, yet I so don't.

Strangely I've been doing well in school, despite my chronic depression. I get a feeling I've risen above it somehow. I know I can't let my negativity spoil my education or career or life. My blog is certainly destroyed by it - I mean I wouldn't want to read me right now - full of self-pity and pessimism - but then this is the only space I have to express all of this crap. I'm a strong believer in sharing and spreading my happiness - never pain - except on the blog of course :)

happy new year...again!

2009-01-09T15:07:00.000-05:00

31st Dec., midnight at Queen Victoria Park, Niagara Falls, Canada

2009-01-09T14:57:00.002-05:00

I have a cold sore in the center of my upper lip.

It's ugly, painful, and really ugly.

I refused to do anything about it and let it prosper on my face.

I took 4 painkillers everyday - until I understood my anger.

I wanted people around to make as big a deal out of my cold sore as my mom and dad would have if they were with me.

Spoilt. spoilt. spoilt brat that I am.

happy post!!!

2009-01-05T11:23:00.003-05:00

Surprisingly I feel fresh and alive this morning. I stayed awake till 10PM last night because I had a chance meeting and dinner with my classmate, formerly known as The Asshole, and his lovely wife and kid who have just arrived from India to be with him. Thanks to them I recovered from my jet lag. Also, I had got lots of fresh fruit yesterday. So this morning I had some strawberries, a banana, and freshly baked garlic butter flavored croissants. I skipped the milk and A to Z supplement tablet that had become routine since the last 3 days. But I did take my temperature with the spongebob thermometer that I bought yesterday - 97.4 Fahrenheit - another acknowledgement of my apparent good health. I think the food had nothing to do with my feeling good. I had all that BECAUSE i was feeling good to start with. I also had fun dreams. Not like the nightmares that woke me up last few days - losing my wallet, terrorist attack, family under threat, me running, hiding - horrible, horrible nightmares. This morning I dreamt that my hair bypassed the weird in-between phase and grew till my shoulders. Lots of other cool things also happened but I don't remember now, but it seems like whatever it was that I had lost was given back to me last night in my dreams. Last night when I was at the former asshole's place, I was thinking, I used to hate the word normal, and now all that I desperately seek is some normalcy in my life. Maybe, just maybe, someone out there heard me :)

niagara from canada

2009-01-04T05:35:00.002-05:00

The morning after...

2009-01-04T04:36:00.002-05:00

I've been watching episodes of Skins on youtube thanks to my latest preoccupation with Dev Patel. I got hooked and saw the whole season 2. Before you judge me, I fell asleep at 5PM (after having the most delicious Coriander chicken with rice) and got up around 12:30AM, which means that my jet lag is still alive and kicking. It's 4:35AM now. What do you do when you wake up at midnight after what feels like a full night's rest? You watch Skins! right?

The point is that I can relate to these high school kids' problems in the show. I wasn't a lot like them when I was their age. Never unsure about myself. Not confused. Not vulnerable. And now I am all these things - at twenty three and a half! That's not right. I feel foolish knowing that I've been acting like a teenager, and I really want to be a teenager so that I don't look foolish. Funny how life works. When I was younger what I wanted most in life was to be older. Stupid human brain always wants what she doesn't/can't have.

It's minus thirteen degrees celsius outside. So depressing. And some blogger friends of mine (yes, YOU) insist on making it snow on their blogs BY CHOICE! It's cold in Delhi too you know. And Christmas is long gone. Haven't you had enough already?

I need to see a shrink. Not just because I really need one - since I was a kid I always wanted to see one - and deep down I always wanted to be one.

I think I should meditate and do yoga. Its stuck in my head that these two things will change my life. Or maybe one of those weekend self-help sessions. Or three shots of vodka in a row followed by violent banging of the head on the floor. Or escape. No, not suicide. That's too teenage a thing, even for me. Any ideas or free online shrinks around??

random

2009-01-03T04:00:00.008-05:00

I couldn't believe I had really gone home, and then I couldn't believe I was leaving.

---------------------------------

The jet lag continues to alter my life. I have a bad dry cough because of the heating vent right next to my bed. I'm up at 3AM after falling asleep at 8PM last night. It's nice in a way. Yesterday we were both up at 5AM and actually had breakfast after months.

-------------------------

My mom is so filmy. She has bouts of drama in her conversations, especially when she tries her passive-emotional-blackmailing technique on her daughters. She called me day before when I was in Canada and I knew she would be pissed at me for going to Canada so as soon as I answered her call I said:

NC (trying to act smart): You have a very long life! (meaning that I was just thinking about her)

Mom: What good is a long life when my children are not by my side!

NC laughs. Dad in the background laughs. Mom laughs.

*I'm afraid I've become a lot like her in this matter. I do similar things to my friends all the time. You would think it to be an asset to me considering my filmy career choice, but you're dead wrong*

-----------------

Baby T seems like a genius child, until one notices the absolute lack of genius genes in his lineage. After a lot of digging around, I figured out the secret to his seemingly brilliant mind.

Both his parents have made it a point to never lie to him. I know it doesn't sound like such a big deal, but you will be surprised at how often young children are lied to, especially when the child is being difficult and you need to distract them, or when they don't respect your authority and you need to put a fear of someone into their mind, or sometimes when you have a low self-esteem and do it just for fun. What happens with telling the truth is that the child is told something that is then confirmed when they see it with their own eyes. This keeps things clear and simple in their mind. Also, Baby T's memory displays extreme sharpness. This is because he uses associations to tell a story of an incident that happened in the past. Like if I say Goa, he will say mama, papa, swimming (story 1); nanu, nani, airplane (story 2); boat (story 3); and so on.

During my experiments, I had to screw up his aforementioned Raavan story to see his reaction to contradictory versions. After he repeated my version once, he refused to tell the story. He had no response. In other words, he behaved like a normal kid his age (no offense to other kids his age). Note here how lying to the child led to a confused state of mind. Usually Baby T will respond to "what is this" with a "what is this" if he doesn't know the answer, but in this case he had no response, which meant that he knows but he is not sure about which of the two versions is the right one. After a couple of days, probably after his nani reiterated her version several times, he went back to telling the original version of the story.

In conclusion, Baby T is no genius, but he's a real smart kid, and the credit goes to his mama and papa.

*I would like to state that no permanent damage was done to Baby T during our experiment.

-------

That reminds me, I forgot to thank, well maybe there is no need to, because my aunt keeps forcing her no-thank-you-no-sorry-with-family rule on me, but I would still like to, thank my dear sister for making my short trip home a lot of fun. She dedicated her whole week to me :) We did a lot of fun things. Somehow the funnest seems our drive from West End to Parliament Street - funny how the mind works! Oh and the Christmas party was something! And Lodhi was nice. Pataudi too. Anyway, the point is, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! You are awesome! And also special thanks to husband ji for being my camera person and chauffeur, depending on the need of the hour. He too gave up work on a couple of days just for me :) Last but not the least, Baby T. Thank you for accepting the fact that the 2D image moving and making weird noises on mama's laptop was real and in front of you. Sorry I screwed up your Raavan story :P

----

I should study. I'm so useless that I've started imagining medical excuses for my uselessness.

Films I watched yesterday

2009-01-03T03:52:00.002-05:00

Happy new year dear readers!

2009-01-01T17:07:00.005-05:00

And when I say happy, I mean I did get to see the fireworks at midnight at the Queen Victoria Park in CANADA baby!!!!!!!!!!

And I spent my first four hours of this lovely new year at the Fallsview CASINO in CANADA baby!!!!!!!!!

Can you believe that? After all that back up planning I did and the long nap I took all afternoon giving up on the idea of the beautiful land that is CANADA. I woke up around 7pm when my mom called. She was thrilled to know that the weather was so bad that I had decided against going to Niagara Falls. Within the next hour, hotel reservations were done, snacks and drinks for the journey and a set of clothes were thrown in the car, and the bloody ice freezing my car was cleared with much effort. By 8:15PM we were on our way.

By quarter to 12, we had checked into our room, had a quick dinner and a glass of Niagara merlot, and stood in the crazy cold with hundreds of people overlooking the magnificent Niagara Falls. I couldn't feel my toes and my moron self had decided to wear my new pair of leather boots with HEELS!!!! and we had to walk a long way in the snowy muddy path leading to the park. Anyway, so minutes before midnight, I looked around me and said to myself that I would rather be here, in this country, than anywhere else in the world right now. And that was a real good feeling.

So despite my earlier cynicism, I guess this year just might be something special. There is hope, like there ought to be, at the beginning of everything new.

Another reason I say this is because I won a few dollars at the casino. Oh what an experience it was! My first time in a casino. After having seen films like Ocean's Eleven and 21, I was full of excitement. To my surprise I realized that a lot of Chinese people have a lot of money, and that they love to gamble. We Indians were quite lost in the crowd - those big black jack tables, russian roulette, a wheel of fortune with currency bills on them, and a million kinds of slot machines. So that's what we decided to do - the slot machine. And I got real lucky two times - biggest one was when I started with $20, went down to $8, and then won $30. Overall it cost us around $15 for a night full of fun.

In the morning we went to take another look at the falls. It was sunny outside but still really really cold. Oh also, the drive last night was the scariest EVER! It was snowing and the roads were icy and there were the CRAZY HUGE LONG trucks that are so scary and potentially fatal. I would have died just sitting in the back seat with my eyes closed, but unfortunately I was driving! The drive back today was not too bad - just that we got a little lost because my moronic brain put the wrong home address in my GPS - and the new thing I learnt about myself is that I am scared of heights only when I am driving on a bridge over a huge river/waterfall with those CRAZY HUGE LONG trucks trying to overtake my car. That is when I visualize falling off the bridge with my car - and I think subconsciously it is my car I am more worried about.

Anyway, so this morning we went to the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum. It was awesome. My favorite part was this crazy dark tunnel where there was this cloth all around a small bridge. The cloth had weird colorful patterns or dots on it which were glowing in the dark, and the best part was that it was moving, which made us so dizzy that we couldn't walk straight. I obviously went back, and even tried walking backwards, and with my eyes closed. I wish I had one of my own :-|

I also simply loved driving across the border and also in Canada. Oh and about the Casino - I truly understand how addictive it can be. I just wouldn't stop playing. When you're losing you want to play more to cover up your loses, and when you're winning you never want to stop. It's crazy! I loved it! Perfect sinful beginning to the year :)

Baby T's Raavan story used to go like...

2008-12-31T10:43:00.002-05:00

Ek Raavan tha...

Utha ke le gaya kisko?

Sita mata ko.

Phir Hanuman ji gaye helicopter mei

aur Sita mata ko bacha ke le gaye...

Phir crackers, tha! tha! diwali!

(Once upon a time there was Ravana who took Sita away.

Then Hanuman went and rescued Sita.

Then fireworks and the festival of Diwali happened!)

While I was there, it became something like..

Ek Raavan tha...

Utha ke le gaya kisko?

Hanuman ji ko.

Phir Sita mata gayi helicopter mei

aur Hanuman ji aur Raavan ji ke saath rehne lagi :)

(Once upon a time there was Ravana who took Hanuman away.

Then Sita went and joined Hanuman and Ravana, and lived happily ever after :))

My version is not sexist and non-violent. But the poor guy just got really confused and couldn't recollect the original version. This story in the first place is courtesy my mom. I completely disagree with teaching such a young child about religious texts and hymns that he doesn't understand, but I also know that the only way he can be close to my parents (his grandparents) is by accepting their religious beliefs, which are a big part of them. Anyway, I still do not approve of the toddler learning of violent acts, even if they were performed by the "good" to destroy "evil". Why tell him that the way to deal with "evil" is through violence. How is Bush's war against terror any different? Why not teach him Gandhi's theory of non-violence? Why not teach him to be patient, and understanding especially towards those who think/believe differently? This is the root of it all - of fundamentalism, communal hatred, and global terrorism. The idea of one good and one bad - me good, and you bad.

Thankfully my sis has told my mother to not tell him stories that contain violence - he's fucking 18 months old for god's sake! Unfortunately this sane request came not out of my disapproval and reasoning with my mother (who is very sensitive about her religious home schooling of her grandchild), but because the smart ass Baby T picked up a gada-like musical instrument that I got from Pondicherry and started hitting his toys with it like Hanuman ji! How crazy is that!?!

The point of this whole story is that I still don't have any say in my household, and will continue to be disrespected and shunned until I stand up on my own feet and create my own new household - until then, Jai Shri Ram is what my dear nephew will chant. And he is also a real cheeky little thing. Obviously he doesn't care about any ram or sita crap. He does it because he loves music of all kinds, and musical instruments, and singing. And also because at his age he has understood what my sister and I still haven't - that faking blind belief in my parents' god will make them happy - as simple as that.

I should really get a life - its still snowing. I wonder if i'll even get out of the house today. Canada will have to wait for another day.

P.S. - My first publication will be titled - 'Living with Fundamentalist Parents - a memoir (1985 to 2007)'

2008-12-31T09:07:00.004-05:00

Its something that happens quite regularly yet it hasn't seized to surprise me. It is amazing how universal Hollywood stories can be for them to be so easily transformed into Bollywood stories even with a gap of almost half a century between them. Here is the oscar winning "The Apartment" (1960) which has an uncanny resemblance to the plot of "Life in a Metro" (2007). How stupid are we Indians?!?

In other news, my new year's eve plan seems further away by the minute. This is the view from my window right now and the snow shows no sign of stopping anytime soon. Driving upto to Niagara Falls (Canadian side) doesn't seem like such a good idea.

Also, I haven't slept all night, which is not bad if you take into consideration my waking up at 6:30PM yesterday (30th), and it's only 9:20AM on the 31st right now. I still hope the weather clears up in a few hours, otherwise my backup plan is a drag show in downtown. Sounds like fun but I was sort of hoping to catch Disney's Beauty and the Beast musical and Ripley's Believe it or not Museum in Niagara, Ontario, along with a free concert and fireworks at midnight!

I really don't care about having a special new year's eve. I don't get why people think being in a special place will make their evening or the coming year any more special. I would be happy enough spending the night in bed watching movies and having a glass of wine with my roomie. No, I'm not trying to make myself feel better because everyone I know has a plan for tonight. I honestly don't care. I might even go to school and get some work done - haha. No seriously, there is a lot of cleaning up to do around the house, and I need to cure my jet lag, and buy stuff (since my sis took everything I owned!! - haha, I'm kidding, but it's still sort of true ;)), and cook something nice for a change, and do my homework, and walk around and enjoy the snow instead of cursing it, and get to know the local drag queens. What do you say? The gorgeous Niagara with all it's beauty and excitement, or the snowy, peaceful shit hole that is my home? What will it be? What do you care any way - you are probably out right now getting drunk as we speak since it's 11PM in India - and by the time you get over your hang over and get around to reading this, the decision would have been made already by mother fucking nature :)

Anyway, have a happy 2009 and all that. 2008 was quite horrible for me, despite it adding up to my lucky number. I don't have any expectations from 2009. Hope you all do..

i usually don't like tags..

2008-12-31T06:12:00.004-05:00

because I have a really bad memory, and I hate giving one answer to any question, but just because it's the 31st and i feel like doing something new, here it is..

what did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before? drive an automatic car on the wrong side of the street (the right side is the wrong side)

did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year? i don't believe in new year's resolutions.

did anyone close to you give birth? No.

did anyone close to you die? No.

what countries did you visit? US, India, Canada, Singapore, and Nepal

what would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? maturity in appearance and behavior ;) and clearer professional goals

what date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? August, for the Goa family holiday, is a happy one, others not so nice but will stay in my memory

what was your biggest achievement of the year? none

what was your biggest failure? too many

did you suffer illness or injury? No.

what was the best thing you bought? movies! netflix membership!

whose behavior merited celebration? Baby T - his sharp mind, wit, and gentleness make me doubt his parentage :D

whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? AP

where did most of your money go? two trips to india with excess baggage both times :)

what did you get really, really, really excited about? going to canada

what song will always remind you of 2008? jaane kyu dil jaanta hai, tu hai to i'll be alright :)

compared to this time last year, are you:

happier or sadder? sadder, i think.

thinner or fatter? Fatter, definitely.

richer or poorer? Poorer, like most of the world.

what do you wish you’d done more of? Eating healthier and working out - basically taken better care of myself.

what do you wish you’d done less of? negative thinking, and lazying around

how will you be spending christmas? spent it already with sis, bro-in-law, and their awesome friends

did you fall in love in 2008? i guess

how many one-night stands? none

what was your favorite tv program? Brothers & Sisters, Desperate Housewives

do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? no

what was the best book you read? gandhi's tiger and sita's smile by ruth vanita

what was your greatest musical (re)discovery? cyndi lauper

what did you want and get? copyrights for something for my film

what did you want and not get? happiness

what was your favorite film of this year? really hard to say. Slumdog Millionaire.

what did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 23. I just remember being in Delhi - nothing special.

what one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? if only i knew what that was...

how would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? non-existent.

what/who kept you sane? my fear of insanity

which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? OBAMA

what political issue stirred you the most? the treatment of immigrants in Maharashtra by Bal Thakrey and his goons. communal hatred and violence. the encounter in Batla house. and the general inadequacies of the Indian state.

what did you miss? friends, family, the life that was.

who was the best new person you met? ali v.

tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. and when the one great scorer comes to write against your name, he writes not that you won or lost but how you played the game. i'm bullshitting, i didn't learn any lesson in 2008.

quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

You live you learn, you love you learn

You cry you learn, you lose you learn

You bleed you learn, you scream you learn

I recommend biting off more than you can chew to anyone

I certainly do

I recommend sticking your foot in your mouth at any time

Feel free

- Alanis (You Learn)

2008-12-30T20:18:00.002-05:00

OMG! I got up at 6:30 not realizing that it was evening and that I had just slept for over 15 hours, and happily called up my sis at her 5AM! I had so much to do today.

I've had the nicest few days. I went here, here, here, here, here, and here. I slept in my room. I slept next to Baby T. I felt safe enough to get super drunk. I was driven around Delhi because I misplaced my Delhi driving skills. I went to my maternal grandparents' house. I had real sweet corn chicken soup in Aka Saka. I had LITs in Blues. I had momos! I had plain dosas. I had ghar ka daal and roti. I had classic mild. I had port wine. I had a real christmas for the first time. I made new friends. I hugged old ones.

Then came NYC where I was to spend one whole day with my friend and her boyfriend. And what a day it was! I had a Japanese duck for lunch, yummy Mochi for desert (as George rightly stated, it was FUCKING AWESOME!), bought really cheap DVDs (including a collection of eight Almodovar films!!!!) from Kim's (I am so proud of myself for having discovered this store myself during my short trip alone to NYC earlier this year). I love this whole street - it's very young, and Janpath like because of the NYU buildings around. I wish I had time to shop here. Anyway, then came the best part of the day. We rushed towards BAM and managed to get tickets for Slumdog Millionaire. Please please please watch this film. The music, acting, plot, cinematography, everything is really good. It reminded me of City of God. The shots in the beginning of the film with the kids in the slum are so similar to City of God. Danny Boyle, the director, has also made Trainspotting and The Beach, and his style brings India to life. Also, A.R. Rehman has done it yet again. My favorite song is 'Jai Ho'..

2008-12-18T02:39:00.003-05:00

The funnest game ever

P.S. - this one's even better!

2008-12-17T23:55:00.004-05:00

I'm leaving this shit hole in 6 hours. I don't know why I'm like this. I mean I know it's me, not this place. It is this place too, but its more me than anything else.

There is this shitty class that I'm taking this quarter - it's a wonderful class but it's shitty because I'm learning things that are not meant to be learnt in this class. It's history and aesthetics of Middle Eastern films. Sounds great - doesn't it? I thought we would watch lots of Iranian films because that's all the cinema I have been exposed to from the Middle East. I did think it would be an interesting class to take in an American university at this point in time. In stead what I have got in these past three weeks is great cinema from Iraq, Egypt and Turkey, and a lot of shitty ignorant ideas from the undergrad students who make me feel completely out of place, and more importantly give me the identity of a third worlder. I have never felt worse in my life.

Then I think, maybe it's me. It has to be me. I mean I've seen people from outside of India live in India. They are so enthusiastic about learning the language, the food, the culture and all that. I feel none of that. After weekends that have been spent lazying around at home, I feel odd even when I hear their accent. It's like I shut myself in my own world and refuse to assimilate. But that's the problem. I don't want to assimilate. I did not come here to assimilate. I don't want the accent, or the slang, or the materialism, or the good natured greetings (which are more mechanized than meaningful - late at night the McDonald's drive-in lady gave me my food and said "have a nice day"!).

Priceless quotes from my class:

*AC is the professor who is trying hard to sound knowledgeable about Middle Eastern cultures.

Stupid white kid 1

Stupid white kid 2*

During the discussion after we watched a Turkish film called Journey to the Sun...

AC: About the scene in the garbage dump where the cows were looking for food - when was the last time you saw something like this?

(No response)

Me in my head: How many months since I was home...umm...2, 3, 4...

AC: What do you think that means - cows eating garbage?

Stupid white kid 1: Recession?

Me in my head: WTF!

AC: It means they don't have access to grass.

Later in the discussion:

Stupid white kid 2: I didn't really understand why Mehmet (the protagonist) was carrying a gun. (This was the big turning point in the film)

AC (clearly disappointed by this comment): He wasn't.

Stupid white kid 2: That was his bag...wasn't it?

AC: No. It was the other guy sitting next to him on the bus who left the bag under the seat and got out of the bus in a hurry when he saw the police road block ahead.

(Flashback to the screening of the film: when I saw the nervous looking guy get up from the seat and leave the bag behind him - I was really almost about to scream out loud "It's a bomb - BOMB!")

Stupid white kid 2: Oh! I didn't get that part. Why didn't he just say the bag wasn't his?

AC along with a few sane people in class: HE DID!

AC: Any other comments about the film?

Stupid white kid 2: The cops in Turkey are mean!

(AC continues to indulge her - I think she gets pleasure out of letting white kids say stupid things)

AC: Do you think they are mean because they were mean to Mehmet (the protagonist) who was a suspected criminal?

Stupid white kid 2: They stop everyone and ask for their passports or IDs or something. And they have road blocks everywhere. I'm never going to Turkey.

So much for understanding other cultures!

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Despite my rage every Tuesday evening during and after this class, there are some people who make me want to be here. I am sure I'll find a way out. I don't want to be mean - god forbid these kids might refuse to visit my country!!! - but they REALLY REALLY PISS ME OFF! I have no tolerance for such gross misconceptions of the world. Especially when they dismiss or reject or insult things that are a reality in my world. Who gives them the right to do this, even out of ignorance? They should keep their stupid mouths shut. I'm afraid I'll let it all out in class some day soon - I sit there boiling with anger - not sure if it's appropriate or even worthwhile to share my thoughts. This wonderful sounding course has turned into a nightmare. Save me someone!

------------------------------------------------------------------

So now I think maybe I'm not perpetually depressed, but merely in constant anguish.

The existentialist frankly states that man is in anguish. His meaning is as follows: When a man commits himself to anything, fully realising that he is not only choosing what he will be, but is thereby at the same time a legislator deciding for the whole of mankind – in such a moment a man cannot escape from the sense of complete and profound responsibility. There are many, indeed, who show no such anxiety. But we affirm that they are merely disguising their anguish or are in flight from it.

- Jean-Paul Sartre (1946)

Makes me feel better knowing that I am not disguising or escaping my anguish but feeling it every single day. I made up with a friend yesterday. The best feeling in the world is when friends understand and accept my selfish acts. I wish I had more friends around.

--------------------------------------------------------

I end on a happy note..with this fun song. I don't care what you think about the film. I thought it was really cool - Abhay Deol is as cute as always - and the dialogue and characters are really authentically West Delhi. I really know a "Bangali" - and the name was given to him by a punjabi. What else can I say! Enjoy!

Baby T has mastered the chorus thanks to me :)

my weekend consisted of...

2008-12-15T00:08:00.004-05:00

Then she found me

Singles

Birds of America

Sex Sells

Alice

Living in oblivion

Falling in Love

Super Size Me

Annie

Super High Me

Turtles Can Fly

view from my window

2008-12-14T23:14:00.001-05:00

2008-12-10T19:04:00.004-05:00

A sudden self-destructive urge consumed my Friday and Saturday. I'm at Java's lying on a comfy couch alone, pondering, regretting, and full of self-hate. Drinking Pepsi. Not coffee. Never coffee. Wearing purple under gray. What the hell am I doing here, I ask myself. Just give me some wine and free time. No classes, no projects, no jobs, no responsibilities. I want to be 55 already - jump over my professional highs and lows. Retire into a carefree life. Yesterday I told someone I'm 22. Took me a few seconds to calculate and then corrected myself. How lost am I these days!? What is wrong with me?!?!?! I thought Canada was good enough - do I need another break already? What the hell. A woman is staring at me. What is her problem. She doesn't have any legs. I saw turtles can fly again. alexandria why? can't do that again. maybe tomorrow morning. have to buy cigars, and baby shoes, and mom's sweater, and car fragrance lemon flavor, and chocolates, and wash clothes. eat. i should eat too. i think i'll go home now. but what will i do there? it's better to be pathetic at home than in public, don't you think. i miss london. its funny because i've never been. the devil me is cooking up an evil plan of sending me to london for a co-op next summer. what could be better. especially at such a time of a personal and professional crisis. if only i could get some nicotine in my system.

2008-12-07T14:58:00.002-05:00

Sitting in the waiting room of a car servicing station, I was watching a football game on TV, talking on the phone, and observing a hispanic mother trying to calm down her infant. Suddenly I saw a group of American army men on TV rejoicing - the corner of the screen said 'Baghdad, Iraq'. For a few seconds I thought maybe the war is over. These men are thrilled with the idea of leaving Iraq and coming back home. Finally, its over! The dream ended when the live telecast went back to the football game, and I realized that the army men were celebrating their lead in the football game between the Army and the Navy. Bah!

_______________________________________________________

Out of all the annoying songs I hear on the radio while driving, this one is tolerable. Though I don't completely agree with it, there is a lot of truth in it.

2008-12-07T14:16:00.004-05:00

I don't know why I get myself into situations like these - where I go in thinking this will be a great adventure - but as time comes close to living the adventure, I regret it. I live it nonetheless -chickening out is never an option - but I promise myself, never again, until the next time.

One such situation is going back home this month. Doing all the work I need to do in Delhi in so little time is disconcerting, but even worse is the traveling bit. The airports on high alert scare me. I don't want to get into the Mumbai blast discussion, or who is to blame for what, or what is the appropriate reaction to it. I am simply scared to travel at this time.

___________________________________________________

Life here is messy right now. I always seem to be lagging behind. I need a personal assistant for the following:

1. Organize my shooting schedule

2. Answer my calls, texts, emails, and other online socializing networks

3. Clean my apartment, including kitchen and washroom, every single day

4. Cook three meals a day for me

5. Pay my bills

6. Do my laundry

7. Sing Hindi songs on request

8. Drive me around

9. Shave my legs

10. Attend my classes!

Anyone interested?

_____________________________________________________

My first shopping marathon took place yesterday - lasted nine hours.

_____________________________________________________

I'm very sad right now and don't want to talk about it, so dovidjenja...

2008-12-02T23:01:00.006-05:00

So its finally going to happen. Tomorrow. I will be teaching a class of 12 students. For one hour. I can't really believe it. I wasn't supposed to get this job. I had my other class conflicting with this, but it just so happened that this professor could not find anyone else and I came highly recommended! Highly Recommended. Wow. Really? I tried my best to convince the professor yesterday, when in between our conversation I realized that she was assuming that I was her TA, that it was not true. I didn't know anything. I have no background in film. I am just a second year grad. I am not a "knowledgeable, dynamic, talented, and kind person who would be a good
companion with [you] in moving media." She refused to believe me. What can I say! I'm teaching tomorrow, and being paid for it.

In other good news, Chitrangada will be acting in Sudhir Mishra's version of Devdas. How FUCKING AWESOME is that! Her character is that of a seductress belonging to a high class society. Can't wait to watch the new Chandramukhi in action.

In case you were wondering about my film, it looks good till now. I have a shoot tomorrow morning. I'm done with Russian and Turkish translations of the poetry. Tomorrow we're doing Greek.

I wish my life was more exciting. How about you?

P.S. - sorry for random bigger font - its all the stuff that i copy pasted.

2008-11-30T03:59:00.002-05:00

Tired of watching the same new footage again and again?

Can't tolerate Barkha Dutt's cracking voice asking stupid questions any more?

Try a citizen journalist. Here.

2008-11-30T02:20:00.004-05:00

Just watched "Sorry Bhai" - I am so so so so happy Chitrangada is back, and is as gorgeous as ever!!! She makes me wanna be bi!

Got back from Canada last night. So much happened over the last week or so. Calgary was really hectic - we were out having fun all day everyday. So we slowed down quite a bit in Toronto. Got up really late - enjoyed watching real TV and free internet in our hotel room. Went out for a few hours, and that too mostly towards Gerrard Street, which is THE place for desi food. We ate twice at this dhaba kind of awesome place called Lahore Tikka. Mutton curry with butter naan and cheap bollywood songs blasting through the crowded place. Oh btw, I love Canada. It is FAR FAR better than this shitty america. My love for Canada has many reason. That is one place I wouldn't mind calling home for a while. Also, its ideal for filmmaking. A quote from Gabrielle Roy on the Canadian 20 dollar bill says, "Could we ever know each other in the slightest without the arts?"

A recent film "Amal" is a Canadian film with an Indian story and actors. Here's the trailor:
Amal Movie Trailer - Watch the best video clips here

So most part of Toronto and the long journey back home was spent on watching the CNN IBN coverage of the Mumbai devastation live on CNN. India was on the front page of every newspaper in Canada, and the world over - not really the ideal way, but India was famous overnight. Suddenly foreign people had some idea about what I was feeling. Officials at the airport saw my passport and asked me if my family was okay. A gentleman sitting beside me on the airplane showed his concern and sympathy. The New York city cab had a news ticker which mentioned the death of the Brooklyn Rabbi and his family in Mumbai. People knew, for once. It wasn't like when the bomb blasts happened in Delhi and everyone around me went about their business like nothing happened. I don't know if I should be happy or sad. The reason people know this time is because Westerners were also victims, and the terrorists singled out American and British citizens.

I understand that violence has become so common all over the world, and I shouldn't expect people living in America to really be up to date with what happens in every corner of the world. What I do expect is at least the people I am connected with, people I meet on a daily basis, people who know where I come from, to acknowledge my country's pain each time, even if foreigners are not victims. Maybe things work differently here - and that is why I don't take offense - just feel alienated and plan my trips back home. That reminds me, I'm off to Delhi next month for a really short trip :)

Another new thing I did on the trip was read a book about the country I was visiting while I was visiting it. I read "The Unfinished Canadian" by Andrew Cohen. It was so much fun to read all these interesting facts at night about the Canadian identity, or the lack of it, and then get up in the morning to interact with various characters from the book in real life. I think I should do this more often. Next one on my list is Croatia.

I have some photographs to share but uploading takes too long - will do it later.

Its hard to blog, or even email for that matter - I'm going through a major online communication block. What to do!?

Chicago to Calgary

2008-11-20T12:33:00.003-05:00

was an interesting journey. Calgary seems like a really cool place. We are in an Indian dominated part of the city - which means lots of good Indian stores around! I had delicious fish kebabs, and tandoori chicken last night. Also, a couple of beers and a glass of red wine. Also, got a real high for the first time! I like first times.

We're going to downtown today - we'll walk around, eat, drink, make merry, and then listen to some James Blunt, in concert.

I had little idea about what to expect from this trip - with one friend, one really old acquaintance, and a stranger. Everyone is really nice - and its always lovely walking down memory lane. This trip is also my first real life-coming-full-circle moment. I wish I could explain it to you.

Let me not spoil the mood by talking about things waiting to be taken care of back in NY. I deserve this break - after 18 hours of classes, 17 hours of work for 10 weeks straight - and getting A's in all five courses (it's no big deal, really). So James Blunt, here I come!

Driving around..

2008-11-07T22:40:00.002-05:00

...I listen to some crappy American pop songs that are played a million times over. From time to time, a song begins to play and for a quarter of a second my heart leaps because for that quarter of a second I think that it's a familiar Hindi song. And then there is that rare moment when a song plays and makes me feel at home :)

So after all the Obama hysteria...

2008-11-07T00:10:00.004-05:00

...I'm back to share another happy day. This blog is becoming too happy. I don't recognize it anymore. It doesn't even let me delete any comments - not even my own!

Anyway, so after all the Obama hysteria - guess what, Obama is not a word according to the blogger dictionary, or any dictionary for that matter - but things will CHANGE soon :)

So after all the Obama hysteria - oh, I may not have been at Grant Park in Chicago that night, but I did witness something priceless the same morning. I was working at the cage (no, for the last time, not the kind in the zoo) and one of my professors walks up to us. My friend Cager J, my boss K, and I were behind the counter. Now, this professor, lets call him MF (haha), is well-known, at least to me, for being a chauvinistic pig. The first day I had class with him last year, he proudly announced to all of us that his fourth child was on his way, and that "it still works!" Anyway, so since I can't vote, I was trying to be pro-active, and participate in the excitement by asking everyone if they voted or not (mostly as an excuse to start a political dialogue, because everyone who voted had a sticker on their shirts saying "I voted today"). So MF comes to the cage, and asks Cager J if he had a hard time making a decision about who to vote for. Cager J, who is a sweetheart btw, says that he was undecided for a long time. MF says, in his characteristic smart ass way, "I just asked myself one question. If I was on a plane, and something happened to the pilot, and Obama and McCain were on the same plane, who would save my life?" Cager J is silent. In my head, I'm thinking, "OMG! Did he just say that?" My boss K, as composed as ever, says "A new plane, or an old plane?". "Ha!", I say in my head, "good one!" MF replies, "A plane is a plane, you know". Boss K says, "McCain doesn't know how to switch on a computer - there is no way he could fly a new plane". Before MF could react, I said to Boss K, "It's too late now. He voted already."

No matter how obnoxious MF can be sometimes, he is a nice guy - and I feel bad for him being a minority (Republican) in the faculty.

Anyway, so after all the Obama hysteria, life is back to normal.

So so happy...

2008-10-29T22:55:00.002-04:00

That's me :)

Got the permissions to use the poetry in my film - free of cost!

I cannot tell you how happy I was when I found out earlier today, and still am.

Didn't even know I could be so happy for something like this.

See, I told you, things have a habit of falling into place :D

DABAALI is here!

2008-10-27T21:43:00.002-04:00

Just went to the Indian store to get ready for tomorrow. Yes, things have definitely changed since last year when I just wanted a year off Diwali. I seem to have forgotten why I hated "celebrating" this festival at home. Without thinking about revisiting those posts in my archives, I shall share with you my first real HAPPY DIWALI. A simple mehndi pattern on my left hand (drawn to perfection by yours truly), a pack of six dias, and my only real favorite part of the festival - Patasas!!! I cannot describe my true happiness when I spotted these - my night and all day tomorrow is made! The sad part is that I cannot find a definition or a photograph of these yummy drops of heaven online.

So my friend asked me to open up the bag of patasas to eat, since I was jumping around like a five year old. I told him that you can't just eat them like a snack - I shall open it tomorrow when I do my prayers. "What prayers?", he said. "I will google image search Laxmi, read my prayer book, and then eat my patasas", I replied. Sounds like just another multi-tasking event - but this time, with PATASAS :D

Did I tell you about my Halloween party this past weekend? I got a wig, wore a black dress, and claimed to be a hooker. What do you think of that?

Before I forget, Diwali hugs to everyone :)

Say a prayer for me when you look at the smoky Delhi sky tonight..

Things are looking Up

2008-10-23T19:44:00.004-04:00

This was the title of a really corny film I crewed on last winter, and I always think of it when things are looking up for me :)

Scene 1: After much, much anxiety and running around, I succeed in getting a graduate number for a 5 credit course that I've been taking this quarter! This ensures my much anticipated Spring term in Croatia! Lovely.

Scene 2: Finally, some coherence in the treatment for my film. I'm actually able to get people excited about it now! This guy I ran into today - lets call him guy no. 3 on my list of the coolest men I know - asked me what my film was about. Since we were both sort of rushing in different directions, I gave him a super brief description of it. He asked me the name of the poet guy (my protagonist) twice and made me spell it. Within 2 minutes we were out of each other's sight. I go for my 3 hour class, get home, and discover this email from him. He knew quite a lot about the poet by then, asked me more about the concept for my film, and even mentioned his favorite poem by my poet guy! Now I know what it takes to be a good film producer. He is awesome! I replied to his email and went off for a short shoot. When I got back, he send another email saying that my idea was fantastic, and that he wants to meet me this weekend. I'm excited to see what he has to say - it will be so great having his support for my project. Yayyy!!!

Scene 3: I never knew being a documentary filmmaker involves stalking people until I get a restraining order - never thought my crush stalking experiences in school would ever come in use! I had been waiting for this one guy related to my film to email me back. After three emails over three weeks, I finally get a reply from him asking me for my number so that he can call. Now its been almost two weeks and he hasn't called. I feel like I'm back in time, waiting for my love interest to respond, but this time I'm doing it as a part of my job! That's sort of sick and exciting at the same time. Strange.

Anyway, I noticed that a while back, it was the pregnant season. Everyone around seemed to be expecting. While they are still in expectation, a new season seems to have begun - the BREAK UP season. Within 24 hours, I found out about one that has happened, and one that is in the process. I really don't know how to respond when my friend tells me about her potential break up. I get uncomfortable, just like when I'm confronted with serious ailments, or death. Maybe the problem is that I haven't really been confronted by them, and so I'm ill-equipped. The easy way out for me is that I take on this practical friend role where I say, "If you both are not happy, and not willing to work on the relationship with equal effort, it is not worth it." And that, "A bad relationship is worse than being alone" - because the reason for difficult break ups, forgive me if I'm wrong here, is that they are too lazy to get out of the habit of being together. I am too. It's a difficult thing to do - but I make a choice to stay in, as long as both of us are willing to fix it. I believe that relationships can never be perfect - its like trying to achieve objectivity in a documentary film - it is impossible - but I'm happy as long as we keep trying.

Enough wisdom for the day. Good news is The Band's Visit, and American Graffiti arrived today. I'm going to have a fun night! Adios mis amigos :)

2008-10-23T00:16:00.004-04:00

The universe is conspiring against my passivity, it seems.

Recap of crazy images from today's episode of NC tales:

- CC (this Chinese chic whose favorite part of China is Tibet) is suddenly curious about my film, and randomly super enthusiastic about my poet protagonist guy - and this actually made me...happy?!?

- I enter my photo class, put my laptop on charging in a corner, volunteer to connect my laptop to the projector for the class, look in my book bag, laptop missing, I panic (not my standard panic which is with a straight face), walk towards the door madly repeating under my breath "my laptop is missing, laptop - missing, missing - my laptop", cute guy no. 2 (who was going up first to present his work) discreetly points to my laptop sitting quietly in the corner, I walk back sheepishly apologizing under my breath, hoping that cute guy no. 1 didn't notice.

- I begin to watch a film that my roomie is watching. I notice that Nasiruddin Shah is talking in a strange voice - definitely not his own. I think, maybe he's manipulated it for his character. A few minutes later, I wonder if he's sick. Some more minutes later, I am pretty sure it's not his voice. This whole time I am also wondering why so many firang characters are talking in Hindi. Just when I think this is a strange world imagined by some crazy Bollywood writer who thinks Hindi will be the next global language, one firang police commissioner says something like "humko nanga kardo ge" in the context of the police force facing embarrassment, and it finally hits me! After some twenty minutes of watching the film, I realize it's been dubbed! Shoot on Sight. That's what it's called. Please beware of the dubbed version.

2008-10-21T22:25:00.004-04:00

With all the unhappiness going around, could I add a couple of drops of my own?

I don't know where I went wrong, or if this is a woman-living-under-patriarchy thing to do - to blame myself in every situation.

Two beautiful friendships, two people I still care about, two people who decided to leave - and I will always wonder why.

One other friendship where we mutually disconnected.

Is this the effect of global warming on my life? I find myself subconsciously depressed, searching for practical explanations like stress, and a busy life, when all this while the truth is written clearly all over my palm - in lines and mounts. "Depression", said my Aunt who read my palm, "be wary of falling into depression".

November

2008-10-21T21:10:00.004-04:00

So I haven't really had the urge to blog since some time now. I wonder how people keep at it so consistently. I used to be one of them - remember, my NYC trip earlier this year when I blogged endlessly? I guess I've lost that loving feeling...oh, that loving feeling - now it's gone gone gone... Or maybe not. Maybe the fact that November is almost here will spring me back into action. No, not because three days after Halloween is election day, and that the day after is darker, and darker and darker it goes... My posts have become increasingly painful, I see now. My concern for your sanity is the reason I refrain from writing. Things will be different in November, isn't that what I started out with? Why November? Well, we all need a new beginning, right? The main character has a long life, but the film starts only at a particular point where a new story begins. One that will take us on an eventful journey. Uneventful journeys are not the stuff good films are made of, right? So will my life suddenly be eventful in November? Sweet November, remember that film? Random question, skip it. I definitely have a lot of plans for November. A Halloween hangover that should carry over, even if for only a few hours, into November. Then there is WEEK 10 of my term, the last week of the term, ending on November 7, which promises to be very eventful. The cold November rain will probably turn into snow by the time it falls upon us. There will definitely be a road trip to Buffalo, NY - to get my Canadian visa, and if we're lucky, a drink on the Canadian side of Niagara falls the same day. A few days of shooting for the film, just to make myself feel constructive. And then off to Canada for slightly over a week. Nope, this is not it. The reason I may catch the blogging bug once again will not be because of any of this. Do you see how I have been deceiving you all this time, and haven't even cared to start a new paragraph, and make this any easier to read? Okay, before you remove me from your blogroll/bookmark/random search, here it is: last year Thanksgiving was the time I started to blog. Simple as that. Landmarks do wonders sometimes. Don't you think?

Please Read

2008-10-18T09:22:00.001-04:00

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Samina Mishra <saminamishra@gmail.com>
Date: Mon, Oct 13, 2008 at 11:50 AM
Subject: Being Muslim in "India Today"

This is a piece I wrote for India Today but the version that has appeared in the magazine is an edit that I did not agree to. It's not clear to me how that happened since I edited the longer article down to this final version and sent it in to them. But the magazine is out and I am both angry and saddened at their careless editing of ideas that are particularly under siege at this point of time.

So, here is my edit and I would be glad if it was circulated widely on the net - more widely than the magazine!

Samina

Not far from L18, in the posh part of Jamia Nagar, is a house on a tree-lined avenue that will always be home to me. But my life, with all its easy privileges, could not be more different from Atif and Sajid's, the two young men shot as alleged terrorists at L18. I contain multitudes, Whitman so eloquently said. But we live in a time when even multitudes are forced to lay claim to a singular label. And so by writing this, perhaps, I will forever be labelled the voice of the liberal secular Muslim. A voice that is accused of not speaking up. Ironically, it is this very tyranny of labels that grants me this space in a mainstream national magazine.

As someone with a Muslim first name and a Hindu surname, I suppose I have always swung between labels - a poster girl for communal harmony or a confused, rootless individual, depending on who was doing the labelling. I went to a public school and have never worn a burkha. I might escape being thrown in the big cauldron with "Islamic Terrorists" but I will certainly be added to the one for "misguided intellectuals". While there is no mistaking that it is zealous nationalists who seek to light the fire under the first cauldron, the other is a bone of contention between those who seek to define for me how to be Indian and those who seek to define for me how to be Muslim. My condemnation of the demolition of the Babri Masjid, Imrana's rape or the media circus around Gudiya will always be seen in the context of my privileged background, my gender, my religious identity. Perhaps, it can be no other way.

In this rhetoric of binaries of "us and them", it is difficult to find the space to create a new paradigm of discussion. And so, in conversations that throw up Islamic terrorists, rigid religious beliefs, Pakistan and madrasas, the response is inevitably another set of questions - why is the Bajrang Dal not labelled a terrorist outfit, why is the growing public display of Hindu festivals like Navratras and Karva Chauth not considered rigid religious beliefs, why should Muslims in India be answerable for what goes on in Pakistan, what spaces other than madrasas are available for thousands of believing Muslims who choose to get educated and still retain their Muslim-ness. As a Muslim in India today, not only are you fighting to shrug off the label of fundamentalist- if not terrorist - but you are also succumbing to a paradigm of dialogue which has been set for homogenous communities with clear markers of identities.

But how does one fight that when shared cultural spaces, other than those created by the market, shrink? How does one speak of the diversity of being Indian when Diwali is celebrated in schools and Eid just in Muslim homes? How does one avoid a singular label for experiences that are diverse and yet have a common thread running through them - the experience of a tailor in Ahmedabad whose Hindu patrons have stopped giving work to, the butcher in Batla House who couldn't get a bank loan, the software professional who will now have to watch every single byte that leaves his computer.

Being Muslim in India today means many things to many people. But how easy it is to forget that one fundamental reality. How easy it is to say, as someone said to me after the Delhi blasts - "These are all educated Muslims. Don't they know that their bombs can also kill their own?" As if everyone with a Muslim name is a terrorist's very "own".

--

2008-10-12T22:20:00.002-04:00

1. I participated in the making of the best homemade chicken biriyani ever!

2. My thanksgiving holiday is all set - my roommate and I are going to Calgary, Canada where we shall visit an old schoolmate, camp at the Banff National Park, and experience JAMES BLUNT live in concert!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - and then spend a few days in Toronto, and a few hours in NYC before getting back home just in time for the next term.

3. I packed a small cardboard box with goodies and love to send home - and also a bottle of port wine, which I'm afraid might not survive the long journey to New Delhi. Will send it off tomorrow to an Uncle in Washington who is leaving soon for India.

4. Have so much work to do.

5. Since yesterday, I have become the owner of four new pairs of shoes - one pair of dark brown leather boots, two VERY different pairs of sneakers, and one red crocs, which were actually meant for my sister but they didn't fit in the box - I said SMALL - remember?

6. I counseled a good friend about relationships in the morning on gtalk. Reminded me about the days when I did this more often - I miss giving relationship advice. His situation was really hard - and he's usually much wiser than me - so it was tough talking sense to him, but I think I did well. He said he'll save our conversation :)

7. Have to finish reading lots of things for class tomorrow. Don't think I should sleep tonight but I'm sure I will :(

2008-10-09T21:13:00.013-04:00

This is the pits! Really. If you haven't realized it yet, just open your eyes wider.

This has been going on in Jamia Milia Islamia University since the encounter happened in its vicinity. Last night I found out that some professors from Jamia's Mass Communication Research Center (the best film school in India at present) have organized a cultural festival to remind everyone about the heritage of harmony that is present in Jamia since many many years. Also, I found out that Mushirul Hassan, Jamia's Vice Chancellor, did this very reasonable thing, and got this in return.

FUNM

I just watched Shut Up and Sing - MUST MUST WATCH - especially if you don't get the four letter word up there ;)

___________________________________________________

I also saw this a couple of days back. Love the song. The film...umm, not so much. The narration is annoying (really annoying)! I think this is a new development - me not enjoying narration. I think I'll have to go back and look at Woody Allen's films again - just to see if I dislike the narration as much as I did in this one. The acting was bad in the first half an hour - they took some time to warm up I guess. Javier Bardem is quite good - but nothing beats the fiery Penelope Cruz! I love her character - and she is SO HOT! I think the film tried to be Almodovar-like, in terms of making the absurd believable, but didn't come anywhere close to it. Go for it, if only for Penelope's sake :P

Okay, I just can't stop myself - here's the trailer:

And here she is...

I also saw Kidnap last night. Not the best in Bollywood - but quite decent. I like

Minisha Lamba, Imran Khan, and Sanjay Dutt, so maybe I'm being biased here,

but I thought the story was interesting and sort of original - unless I missed out on

the Hollywood original :) Watching a new release on the laptop is never fun - but I

was hooked through most of it, minus the songs. I'm curious to see what Imran does

next. Did you realize that the font changed after Cruz descended? I didn't do it.

Blogger is going crazy. No more Penelope from now on! Bad, bad blogger.

.................................................................................

Wow! I had quite a mood swing in this one - from the pits to

Penelope. Anyone think I need counseling?

quick updates

2008-10-06T21:50:00.002-04:00

Had an awesome shoot this Saturday - left home at 8:30 AM, and got back at 2 AM. The shoot was in a cabin facing a small lake, in the middle of nowhere, in the wild, on the top of a hill. I helped make fire - and made my own lunch on it - hotdogs on twigs. Also worked like crazy - my shoulder blades are still recovering.

My roomie and I have been on an Indian food binge. Now I know why I never missed home food - and I thought I wasn't attached to Indian food - because food at home isn't worth missing - and the Indian food that we make in our apartment is to die for. From gobhi paranthas to tandoori fish, we have made it all - thanks to Manjula Aunty, 'Show me the curry' aunties, Anjum Anand of 'Indian cooking made easy', and 'Vah Reh Vah' uncle - all of them on call whenever you need them - on youtube.

I would add links but my wrist too, it seems like, is recovering from the shoots.

Have some pics to share - will get to them soon.

2008-10-01T01:35:00.006-04:00

This is what I just saw. I give it, oh maybe four and three quarter stars :) This new uploading photo system is strange...see how I am on this left corner by default. I wonder if I can jump to the other side. Or I should stop thinking and sleep. But really awesome film - MUST WATCH. It turns out that I wasn't on the left corner when I wrote that I was, because I still am on the left side in the Edit Post box. This is even more annoying - I can be pushed off the side at any point of time. I guess they assume that only a few words of description are required with the photo - or maybe it's just an option which can be changed into left, right or bottom, and I'm stupidly displaying my ignorance here. Please ignore this if you didn't follow what was going on. I really should sleep. Okay, if you say so..

I wonder what happens to people who read me on google reader or other such feeds since I edit my posts after I post them and re-post them right after, assuming that people read me at all. Okay, I will really let you go this time. This is what I do over the phone with some people - just keep saying bye over and over, until one of us has to pee badly or something like that. If you are about to strangle yourself while reading this, stop reading - pay attention to what you're doing. Haha - I'm so funny when I'm delirious.

2008-09-30T20:35:00.002-04:00

So someone finally said it today - the P word - out loud. No more pretending - I had to face it. I'm back to being a procrastinator. Initial enthusiasm has died down. Middle of the term, and can't believe how I will ever get through it.

Came home early today - in my world, an 8 to 6 work day is relatively short - and decided to catch up on the first episodes of the new season of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters. I've been a DH fan for many years now. Got hooked to B&S last year. I just feel the need to follow one or two shows every week - to make my life somewhat stable. My need for gossip is fulfilled by the women of Wisteria Lane, and for scandal by the Walker family. Funny that both start with a 'W'. In this harsh world, in my busy life - I get to watch two hours of TV (even less now that I watch them online, minus the ads :)) alone, and know for sure that they will at the very least make my eyes watery, and remind me that I am human! On a more serious note, Calista Flockhart (Harrison Ford's love interest) was the reason I started watching B&S. My association with her has been over many years through Alley McBeal. I loved, I seriously LOVED that show. I would kick out everyone from the room and sit on the floor in front of the TV to watch this show - every Wednesday 6 to 7PM. And her love interest in Alley McBeal was Billy (Gil Bellows), who is also Tommy in Shawshank Redemption. Can you believe how small this world is??!

Coming back to reality, I might be going out to watch a film tonight. ND, and AV, who is my latest addition to the coolest guys I know, are going to watch something and asked me to come along. AV goes back home soon, so I should spend some time with him. Talking of my coolest guys list, my friend J (I don't remember how I referred to him in my earlier posts over the summer) has just designed a cover for a famous author's new book! I'm so excited for him!

I should go now - eat something and pretend to read a book before I head out.

2008-09-28T09:36:00.002-04:00

I woke up today with sore arms, thanks to yesterday's shoot. Have to leave in twenty minutes. Had nice fried chicken for dinner. Shopped at Walmart [:(] - got lots of food. Having a banana and mango juice for breakfast. Just realized that I will have to wait for the new DH, and B&S episodes to come online on the ABC website before I can watch them (for the lack of cable in my life). My Sunday NYT is here - I shall go read some of it before I go kill my arms completely. Adios amigos.

Finally, a real post

2008-09-26T22:51:00.005-04:00

You want to know what I had for dinner? Mango salad, potato rice, keema, and yellow daal. Unfortunately I was in one of my excited modes where I talk too much and don't eat enough - happens to me mostly at weddings. More importantly, I had fun America-bashing with my Pakistani friend (who is an American citizen) and her really awesome Mom. It's funny how her Mom (who must be in her 60's) was thrilled to know that we think alike - she must be encountering a lot of young people with minds less open than her own.

It was strange initially when M (my friend) was including her Mom in every topic we talked about. It was like I assumed M's mom wouldn't know or care about these things - but she did - and she knew exactly what we were talking about. It was lovely to witness such understanding - a friend-like mother-daughter relationship. How rare is that nowadays!

So I ordered my very first business cards online - well, not exactly - I did have visiting cards (isn't that what we call them in India?) before, I think when I was in school - with my website address and all. I used to run my own website, you know? Started it when I was in class 8, went on till class 10. No, I didn't give it up because of my board exams - but I did lose interest when my classmates, who were my target audience, got distracted with studies and forgot about my website. It had something for everyone - my website - wallpapers of cricketers for free download - a daily Dennis the Menace strip - the Friends song "I'll be there for you" was available for download, along with it's lyrics. I had a guestbook, a weekly poll, a discussion forum, and a weekly contest. How cool was I!

I didn't know HTML but I had Netscape Composer which was the coolest software. It was so simple to design websites back then. Now they say I need to learn Dreamweaver, or at least know HTML to write codes and upload to my page through Fetch. What bullshit is this!

I've been thinking a lot these days. And also been not thinking at all.

Even in my second week of class (week 4 ended today), I sat facing my professor, with my only two classmates on either side of me, and I felt like I was looking through a window. Like I wasn't really there. Like I could just close my eyes and be back in Delhi. Another day I found myself saying to my friend late at night, 'let's go to india gate for a drive'. I didn't wait for a reaction, knowing very well how absurd this must sound to him, but also knowing exactly what I meant. I feel like I'm still there, at my house, even if not there, but close by - so close that I can catch a flight today and be in C.P. standing at the place the bomb blast happened. Now it feels like I've done this before, traveling between these two worlds, and I can do it again.

I won't be lazy anymore and give you imdb links. I hate IMDB. So here is what I've been watching:

No lies...

Girldhood

The Diving Bell and the Butterfly

Home Movie: A Diary for my American-born son

Pictograph

Transmitting Baba (these 3 films by Miso Suchy).

Sleep time. Long weekend ahead - shoot all day - saturday and sunday. And a longer week after that! Have a good night - those of you whose week really ended today.

P.S. - I'm sure you noticed my enthusiasm for the new seasons of Desperate Housewives, and Brothers & Sisters starting this Sunday. Life will, once again, be beautiful :)

2008-09-24T21:19:00.002-04:00

Okay, so I chose Witness over a free pre-release screening of The Lucky Ones. That's because I just don't have the time for fun - though 'Witness' was way more fun than I had expected. Harrison Ford was, once upon a time, young and hot! My professor thought the same for Paul Newman in The Verdict, and I strongly disagreed with her. So missing 'The lucky ones' is a big deal because I saw it's trailer last weekend before Everybody Wants to be Italian and it seemed interesting - also has Tim Robbins of Shawshank fame. Saw Sicko again this morning - have to watch War Dance this weekend. Jealous yet, or should I go on?

P.S. - I'm sorry, I've tried to hide my feelings, tell myself this is not right and all that, but I have to come out and just say it - I love Michael Moore. More on that later.

2008-09-22T11:17:00.002-04:00

I'm at work right now. Yesterday was awesome. Not only did I meet cool people, and bond with my professor (who invited me for dinner at her house), but I also got mistaken to be a Cuban by a Cuban woman! Can you believe that? I was hoping for this, and it is true. I may not be a global citizen in my head yet, but my face sure is ready for it. Last year when I had come here, all Indians around me had a hard time guessing which part of India I'm from. I think I can pass for Bengali, Marathi, Gujrati, and everything else, except Punjabi - which is a good thing, I guess.

Back to work.

2008-09-21T10:57:00.003-04:00

Okay, so it seems like after much confusion, I have sort of figured this out.

I've been thinking of reinventing myself on the blog for quite sometime now. Since I have also been thinking of using the film blog, and recently was invited to join a class blog (which I couldn't do with the same account as this blog), I decided to make a change.

I looked around for Wordpress, and found the many different and yet consistently confusing ways of exporting my blogger blog to wordpress. Then I gave up. Went to blogger Help, which really did help! I don't know why I don't trust the Help links on things - I just assume I will have to fend for myself in this big bad web world. Anyway, so blogger Help suggested I add a new author as my new account, and then delete the old author (after giving the new account admin rights, obviously!). So, much like Pakistani politics, I let the new account come in, gain power, and become the sole author by getting rid of the old account. That reminds me, the horrible bomb explosion that happened a day before. Whatever little I heard about it made it very obvious that the blast was a big deal because it happened in a 5 star hotel - "a favorite with foreigners, particularly Westerners". I understand that it makes us uncomfortable when the powerful, the wealthy are attacked. It proves that the attackers are getting bold, and becoming capable of just about anything. Although it makes me sad to think in this capitalist mode, but it seems like even the attackers work with the same ideology. They very well know where it hurts the most.

Moving on, I had something to share related to Chandni's recent post. For a long time now, I have been looking for people, places, things, events, memories, anything that would prove that there was a time in the past when Hindus and Muslims lived happily with each other. Since I wasn't alive to see it with my own eyes, very often I begin to doubt whether it was ever so. With the rise of Hindu fundamentalism since the early 1990's, it seems like a lot of the evidence has been erased. It is almost unbelievable when I do come across a story like the one I share here.

"He spoke often of a time in his childhood when he had been seized by the desire to create a small Hindu temple in his room in Srinagar. He was initially hesitant to tell his parents but when he did they responded with an enthusiasm equal to his own. His mother bought him murtis (mini-idols) and other accouterments and for a while he was assiduous in conducting pujas at this shrine."

Amitav Ghosh writing about Agha Shahid Ali after his death in December 2001.

Going back to blog issues - if you haven't figured it out yet, I have decided to have a separate film blog. Sorry to readers who disagreed. That blog will have my real name and information, just because I would like that one to also work as a portfolio/resume when the time comes.

Am off to Sodus, NY in an hour - visiting a Hispanic church with my professor. It's been raining a bit, so will hopefully get to see some rich green countryside. Immigration officers recently carried out a raid at this church, and since then most of the church-goers (who are undocumented farm workers in the area) stopped going for the fear of being caught. Since then a lot of people, most of whom are non-Christians, go every Sunday to stand outside the church in support of the undocumented people. We're going to do the same. Should be fun. More later :)

P.S. - Piper gave me the Blogging Friends Forever Gold Card! (Standing ovation) Thank you, thank you! ;)

2008-09-19T10:28:00.001-04:00

I think I'm going to start writing my film blog - there is so much I'm watching, and learning nowadays. Seems like a waste unless I share it with others. What do you think?

2008-09-16T18:00:00.003-04:00

I can't believe how naturally I shift from one position to the very opposite of it - so smooth a transition that I often forget it ever happened. I've always been like this I guess. The present situation being that since a few days I've begun to feel like I want to be a student for some more time. There is just so much to learn, and I like being a student - having the structure of a school, and just the less stressed life of a student - though I can't really imagine living through any more stress than I already do - I don't think that's true though - I could survive a lot more than this - anyway, the point being that just a few weeks back in India, where I was surrounded by my employed friends, I felt like finishing my studies and working right away. Like waiting even one more year will be too long. And now I want to spend two years on my thesis. Life is short, I know, but why are we in a hurry? I want to do a lot, but also take my own sweet time. My perspective on a lot of important things is changing gradually - and I'm enjoying it - everything seems to be headed in a direction where eventually all of it will fall into place. Exciting!
Baby T on my lap wearing his Naani's bindi - he loves taking it off my Mom's forehead and playing with it. Such a brat he's turning out to be!

2008-09-14T10:25:00.004-04:00

So much is going on. My running nose and heavy head. Bomb blasts very close to home. Reading about horrendous journeys young kids take for heart warming reasons across Mexico into America. Sarah Palin claiming to represent women's interests. The general fickleness of life.

My latest obsession is...

2008-09-13T21:22:00.004-04:00

I'm not a dairy person at all, but this one reminds me of my childhood days when I would have a bowl full of dahi and sugar only if both were in the proportion of 1:1. This yo crunch thing is low fat yogurt with M&M's - what could be better?!

Coming back to reality, the world is a sad sad place.
Seems to me like we should stop cribbing about how the world is becoming a horrible place - in stead just accept that it is horrible, and look for the little good that is left.

Tilt head right

2008-09-07T17:45:00.000-04:00

Baby T having a ball in Goa!

2008-09-07T17:35:00.003-04:00

Just when I thought my life couldn't get any more eventful, I discover netflix!

I'm so excited about watching all these awesome films over the next few months. The only problem is that I can't watch the thousands of films that I have access to because Mac doesn't support the netflix movie plug in :(

Anyway, I have already placed an order for three cool films and I can share my friends' windows laptops and watch the online films. So it's all good.

I have two assignments to finish by tonight, and one more for day after. I've been waking up late last two days now, and I'm really scared about not reaching at work on time tomorrow morning. I have to be there at quarter to eight. Then will work till 1PM, meet my professor at 1:15, and then class from 2 to 6PM. Fun!

2008-09-04T20:59:00.005-04:00

Bring out your prayer books, I need all the help I can get.

It is official. Five courses, i.e. 18 credits + 15 hours of work = one hell of a term.

Work is good, courses are great, well most of them are, and I'm super excited about how this term unfolds.
For those of you who don't know me, I love a good challenge.

I've discovered a couple of awesome professors, and I'll be working with a couple of awesome one's I know already.
So much more to write about but battery's dying and I'm still lazy.
Watching 'Mumbai Meri Jaan' online. It's really depressing so started blogging.
Saw 'Rock On' some days back - online :( - but it still rocked!

Those of you who don't know me, I LOVE FARHAN AKHTAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*NC drools and fantasizes yet again*

2008-09-02T21:58:00.006-04:00

Now I know what it feels like when you get out of the habit of blogging. It's not that I choose not to blog - just that I haven't been thinking about it at all.

Life seems to be back in place, and as anticipated, feels better than last year. I have four jobs and four courses this term. I bought my car in the first week thinking I'll just leave it in the parking lot for a month or two until I get my local license and actually learn to drive here. Less than a couple of hours later, I was driving to school because my bus didn't show up! And I haven't stopped since :) Got my cool red color GPS a couple of days later. Though I haven't used it yet, it feels good to know that I can go anywhere I want without getting lost.

My apartment looks good. It's colorful, more Indian, and more me. Will try to take photos and post them soon. Until then you'll just have to take my word for it.

And the award goes to...

2008-08-21T14:11:00.003-04:00

Isn't this so cool? Piper gave me the Brilliant Weblog Award! What a great way to start my day :) It's like I ramble on about nothing, and I win something for it! What a wonderful world!I would like to mention at this point that I had to struggle to get into the habit of blogging - and I'm so glad that in around ten months of regular blogging, I have managed to write almost 300 posts - and still going strong. From what I understand, this award is meant to encourage blogging more than anything else. I've personally pushed a lot of people to blog, just because I know for a fact the positive effects of blogging. So all of you who read and don't write, you're missing out on something great...

So here are the rules:
"The Brilliant Weblog award- a prize given to sites and blogs that are smart and brilliant both in their content and their design. (Ahem!)
The purpose of the prize is to promote as many blogs as possible in the blogosphere. Here are the rules to follow:
1. When you recieve the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back
2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.
3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Brilliant Weblog’
4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).
5. And then we pass it on!"

Simple enough, you would think. My problem is that I'm more of a writer than a reader. Under these circumstances, I shall cheat a bit. Some of the blogs have already received this award - but I'm sure they won't mind getting one more acknowledgment of their brilliance :D

The seven brilliant weblogs are:

1. Apple Bee - For being my first blogger friend. I got hooked because of her honesty - and later discovered her wonderful sense of humor. You rock, AB!

2. Aditya - For his gross political incorrectness and degenerate life in general. Love his strange writing style :)

3. Daisy - For her interesting ramblings and musings! She doesn't update too often but makes sure I write often enough :P

4. RaisingT - I know how hard it is for her to blog, and yet she keeps trying - and that's what counts :)

5. The Mad Momma - What do I say?! She inspires me. I would not be here if it wasn't for MM's honest and courageous blog.

6. Chandni - I recently started reading her blog, and now I'm totally hooked. It's funny, sane and brilliant all at once!

7. Piper - For being thought provoking in her every post - for writing beautifully - and for making me feel so special :D

2008-08-18T05:42:00.009-04:00

Piper! Here I am..

Lots of posts in my head - I'll try to fit it all in here.

It seems silly but I achieved something I consider to be great. I drove all the way to my maternal grandparents' house in Haryana. And back. The drive can be anything between an hour and a half to two hours depending on traffic. Luckily the roads were empty on Independence Day, and I had good company and great music. Now the big deal about this is that all my life whenever I would go to my grandparents' house, it would seem really far away. Of course that is also because a few years back one could drive across Delhi without spending hours stuck in traffic - and one did not just go off to Gurgaon (Haryana) to watch a film. So with my childhood dream intact of one day driving to this far off place, I felt very good about it.

My one other childhood dream related to driving had to do with driving in the mountains. And the latest one is driving from the east coast to the west coast. I wonder if my brand new '97 model car will survive that!

**********************************************************************************
Here is me at Baga Beach, Goa :)

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I just came back from lunch with my grandmother. She is quite a character. I resent her for numerous things she has done and said to me and my family, yet thanks to our its-all-about-loving-your-parents family values, I am expected to be civil to her. That being very hard to do, I choose to avoid her as much as I can. It may seem difficult with us living in the same building, but I think I've done a good job till now. Today was probably the fourth time we met in almost three months.

It was me, my mom, and her mom-in-law. What fun!! I always start by thinking that maybe I'm too critical of her - maybe I should give her a chance. She too begins by making me feel for her. And then we all fall down!

She kept chatting with my mom - mostly sharing or trying to extract gossip about family. I ignored while drooling over my chettinad pepper mutton and malabari parantha. After talking about a distant relative's relative committing suicide, and a distant relative's relative tirelessly searching for a bride online, my grandmother somehow landed up on how she has suddenly started remembering her mother since a few days. I look at her - imagining her as some one's daughter - giving her my full attention. My mom suggests she should donate something in her mother's name - it will bring peace to her soul (I'm guessing). Grandmother says that daughters' donations will not reach the mother's soul - it has to be the son's.

And we all fall down.
*******************************************************************************
My grandmother was one reason I never wanted to speak Punjabi, which is sort of my mother tongue. She being the one speaking the most and only in Punjabi, I never thought of it as a beautiful language. It is only now, when I listen to beautiful and meaningful songs sung in Punjabi that I wish I had learnt how to speak it at that age. One song that is haunting me nowadays is Rabbi's 'Bilquis'. Unfortunately it is not on youtube yet. Here is a part of the song:

Mera naam Bilqis Yakub Rasool (My name is Bilqis Yakub Rasool)
Mujhse hui bas ek hi bhool (I committed just one mistake)
Ki jab dhhundhhte thhe vo Ram ko (That I stood in their way)
To maen kharhi thhi rah mein (When they were looking for Ram)

Pehle ek ne puchha na mujhe kuchh pata thha (First, one asked me but I knew nothing)
Dujey ko bhi mera yehi javab thha (Then another but my answer was the same)
Fir itno ne puchha ki mera ab saval hai ki (Then so many that now I have a question)

Jinhe naaz hai hind par vo kahan the (Where are those who are proud of India)
Jinhe naaz hai vo kahan hain (Where are those who are proud)

With all the chaos in Kashmir today, I have the same question in my mind.

2008-08-13T10:05:00.004-04:00

After I mentioned my feelings about bloggers with their alternate private blogs, I thought more about how the same unsaid rule works in other aspects of life. This game we play of give and take, mostly in relationships. How we struggle to achieve a balance. How we give and expect the same in return. How we stop giving when we don't get enough in return. How the end of giving is the beginning of the end.

Since a few days the Jammu-Kashmir issue has been all over the news. Today was a shameful day - I wore black after I watched the breaking news this morning. BJP came out in large numbers onto the streets asking all "Hindus" to give a day from their lives for the sake of their religion and join the demonstrations for the Amarnath land. In my mind came images of a mob shouting slogans and setting my house on fire. A wise woman once told me that we should ensure a secure environment for the minorities of our country - "what if one day we are in their place?", she said. If not for the sake of humanity, I thought this is reason enough for us to respect minorities and their interests.

This is the sum of duty; do naught onto others what you would not have them do unto you.

Mahabharata 5,1517

I never thought I would quote the Mahabharata - but I understand now the reason behind secular Muslims using the Quran to fight fundamentalists. Tell me, you hooligans who claim to represent me, how can you possibly misinterpret this line from your sacred text? Who gives you the right to do something completely un-Hindu and say that you are doing it for the sake of the religion? Or is it that you are so selfish and short-sighted that you don't care if your children have to suffer the consequences of your demonic actions?

The news channels go on and on with interviews of people from all sides of the debate. They think they can start a dialogue and reach a solution. Their power has made them naive. They say that the solution is for everyone involved to give more and take less. That may be difficult to do in relationships, but its completely impossible in politics.

The only silver lining is that my mom has started praying for the well-being of the common man, irrespective of religion.

2008-08-12T16:02:00.002-04:00

Can't believe it's been 6 days since my last post. I thought about writing earlier, but I was turned off thinking about some people I know who have created other blogs where they are completely anonymous. It's not fair, is it? They continue to read my blog and refuse to share the blog where they are truly themselves. Are there any written blog rules that would call this injustice? Of course not. Blogging is a personal choice - and so is making multiple blog identities, with whatever level of personal information you wish to share. And yet, to me it seems unfair.

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Around eleven more days to go before I leave Delhi. There is so much going on in my mind - so many things to do and people to meet one last time. My over-dramatic mother makes it worse. She says things that shouldn't be said. Things that make it harder to leave. That angel faced genius of a baby. The drives in the rain. The smells and the sights. The familiarity.

2008-08-06T14:53:00.003-04:00

Things are looking up.

Goa is really something. Though this holiday will not be the quintessential Goa holiday that people dream of, it has been the best family holiday already, thanks to my very own room that I have generously been provided with :) It's only after getting this room that I've realized why I didn't like holidaying with family. It was because I was always on the "extra bed" in my parents room. But now it's all changed.

Some other things troubling me are also related to this same "extra bed" syndrome. Again, one reason why I left home to study was that I had had enough of being clubbed with my parents for everything. I did not have an identity of my own - and I couldn't see any way I could get that identity while still living with my parents. And it is true. Since I've been back, I was invited individually by cousins, relatives, and other such things which may not seem like a big deal but for me it is. I may not even go to these lunches and dinners, but just the fact that I am seen as an individual gives me a lot of happiness. And I'm sad when I'm not allowed to enjoy this acknowledgment of my individuality.

Anyway, my friend who I fought with called and made up. So that's all okay.

I haven't seen much of Goa yet so don't have much to write about. The rain is definitely a problem, as I had expected. But my room is sea facing so I'm thrilled! Might go partying tonight. Internet is super expensive at the hotel, so might not be regular with the blogging. Any tips from those of you who've been to Goa?? We're all quite clueless since this is off-season.

The new "my" song - isn't it awesome?!?!

2008-08-04T19:12:00.002-04:00

Finished shooting! I wasn't planning to stay the whole night today (Mom has been super pissed with all this shooting at night business, with all the assholes around who like to "talk" about what time I get home - I am so glad I don't live here anymore!!), but I knew I couldn't leave in between. The last day is the most fun, right? When you work hard for something, and work with a team you like, the high of completing the task is not something you miss.

Thanks to this high, I am feeling better about Goa. I still haven't packed (shh...don't tell my mom), charged batteries, emptied memory cards, shaved my arms and legs, picked a book for the trip, slept, etc.

I wish I was here to help Shrenzy edit the film - but I'm sure it'll look great when he's done with it.

I've had a very different experience with the police in these last four nights of shooting. They have been polite, well-meaning, and most importantly sober! I think it's to do with the impending day of independence. Strange.

Here's something that's been haunting me..enjoy:

2008-08-04T12:31:00.002-04:00

The film is the only thing keeping me sane. Things went from bad to worse last night - had a fight with a friend. I wasn't myself and didn't have the energy to explain - so I let myself be grossly misunderstood. Talk about a happy friendship's day!

Thankfully one more night of shooting - and tomorrow morning I'm off to Goa! I'm not very excited because of my present state of mind. I so wish I could stop being a slave to my moods. This is so annoying. I haven't packed yet, and I need to leave for the shoot right away. I'm completely infatuated with the lead actor - I would marry him if he wasn't gay! He's the second most perfect guy after ND - plenty of food for day dreaming - I'll go now.

2008-08-03T08:38:00.002-04:00

It's 6 PM and I just woke up :) Have to go again for the shoot tonight. CP is so awesome! The evenings are so crowded - people in the Central Park, in the stores enjoying the end-of-season sales, couples walking around the inner circle, aunties, uncles, kids, people searching for love in the cruising areas, fancy big cars, small cars, two-wheelers, cycles - I love it that the crowd is so heterogeneous unlike the other localities where every person looks like the other. And then late into the night, CP empties itself of all this life and just sits there - well lit and silent. The peripheries continue to breathe - a small eatery outside Shivaji Stadium stays open all night. Again the people hanging around it are different - the after party kids in their party clothes, the night shift employees in the formal wear, the news reporters with their IDs hanging from their necks and cameras held in their hands like guns, and us, a group of ambitious film people :)

The highlight of yesterday was shooting in an abandoned building. We were scared of the guard sitting outside, possible drugged people armed with blades living inside, the police because our shot involved an act that is illegal, and ghosts! It was really really spooky and dangerous, but we did it. And it looks great!

I wish we could shoot every night until I leave India - its a great distraction and a lot of fun - but we have to finish tonight, since the film has to be edited and submitted for a festival by day after. The screening will be on August 16th - Rakhi day I think. Another fun distraction on the right day. I shall go eat now. Hasta pronto!

2008-08-02T20:43:00.003-04:00

It's 6 AM and I just got back home from a super exciting night shoot. I wish I had some enthusiasm left to write about it. In general I'm pissed with everyone nowadays. EVERY ONE pisses me off. For various reasons. More later. I have to go sleep and then deal with this fucking friendship's day shit.

2008-07-31T16:17:00.002-04:00

I so miss good internet!

I'm in the NDTV office right now! This is so exciting!!!
Lights, cameras, but no action :(
It's almost 2AM, and I sneaked into the office with my friend who works here.
He had some last minute things to do before his show goes on air tomorrow morning - and I could not let the chance of using good internet go by :)

I so want a job now!

Had a fun night - first with a school friend, then with this crazy Shrenzy who is re-shooting his 'strangers in the night in CP' film starting tomorrow night.

Just waiting for the next four days to go by quickly and then chill in Goa with family for five days. After that just two weeks more and then I'm off.

Here's why:

2008-07-25T14:46:00.003-04:00

It's the kind of thing so special that I don't want to share with anyone, and also the kind of thing that fills me with so much happiness that I can't keep it to myself. That is my Sunshine.

In his absence, he has been much misunderstood. I have got so much out of our friendship that even a lifetime of sorrow will not be enough for me to pay him back.

So here's how it began. I met him, rather communicated with him some time in 2004. He was my boyfriend's roommate at the time. He seemed friendly, and very interested in photography, which was something I was involved with back then. We met in 2005 when he came to Delhi - he was staying at my boyfriend's place. He was in Delhi for six months, but it was only in the last month when we realized that we enjoy doing the same things, and that we should spend more time together.

When they both went back, my life went from bad to worse. I had had a lot of trouble dealing with a long-distance relationship, along with many other serious issues that I had to single-handedly take care of. Since my family was completely unaware of all this, I was on my own. My boyfriend had enough problems of his own, and could not give me the support I needed. If it wasn't for Sunshine, I would not have survived. Truly.

Over the next two years, our meetings were scarce and spread out, but each time we met, our bond strengthened. We talked over the phone for hours and hours and hours. Time would fly. We exchanged childhood stories - him growing up in a beautiful small hill town in north Bengal, and me in Delhi - and yet we had the same fundamental beliefs about life, relationships, and everything else. It was unbelievable to both of us how very similar we were as people. Sometimes it felt like the only difference between us was biological. (I hate using past tense like this!)

He saw me through the worst of times, and gave me the best advice. It wasn't just his advice that helped me - but just knowing that there is someone who is looking out for me - someone who will always push me in the right direction. And he always pushed me - expected more out of me than I ever did - and always made valid arguments that I couldn't argue with. And I'd like to think I did the same.

In the past few months, when it was international calling that we had to endure, the rule was that we call each other only when we are really happy, or really sad. And it worked out just fine. Of course we were looking forward to seeing each other. Whenever he comes to Delhi, I show him around. We take our cameras, and go to different places. He made so many places special, just by being there with me.

Tonight, I had a choice - to either delete my previous post and erase Sunshine from my blog, or to try and explain. I appreciate all my blogger friends' concern for me - but it is quite unnecessary. I've been sulking about his absence, but it's just because I miss him. I know at some level that he is okay, despite the serial bomb blasts in Bangalore today (!), and I know that he will have a valid reason for not contacting me - and even if I never find out why, it's okay. It's all okay with me and him.

*This happy post is a result of my decision to focus on the good - I've started carrying around my handycam with me, and shooting all the good things about life in Delhi - unfortunately, there aren't too many*

Dear Sunshine,

2008-07-24T09:07:00.003-04:00

This is new
the helplessness

Earlier it was
out of choice
mostly mine
but now
only your's

Delhi is hollow
without your voice

Who stole it
how, why
I know not

But I did know,
I feared for this day,
for this loss

But there was always a reason
in my nightmares
some one, some thing
but why now,
why like this,
I know not

Hope stabbed
over and over
straight in the heart

All the nights now go
in sleepless dreaming
no more hoping
just dreaming
of the day after
the end of nights
when I know not

2008-07-22T14:11:00.002-04:00

Today must be the first day when I miss having a TV in my room. Who needs Bollywood when you have Indian politics live in your own room!

If you thought the live parliament session on TV was very good entertainment, wait till you see the news channels coverage of it! I almost died laughing!

Manmohan Singh's face superimposed on a man doing bhangra with what else but "Singh is king, Singh is king, Singh is King..." playing in the background! What great publicity for the soon to be released film! Raise your hands if you think the producers of the film have something to do with Manmohan Singh winning the vote of confidence.

Then there was the scene shown repeatedly of these members of parliament playing around with stacks of money, apparently offered to them to buy their vote, with Abba's "Money money money.." playing in the background.

I give up being cynical when I see all this, and suspend my disbelief to just enjoy the moment.

In other news, I have been annoyingly lethargic over the past two days. This was after a bloggers' meet with Perakath (I know how to pronounce his name now!), where I learned that a subtitled film after a few hours of drinking is not a good idea - and another drunken night with some friends and their friends, where I learned that the embarrassment of dancing in public sinks in only by the morning after! Never again, I said, after both.

Feels like I'm constantly hung over. I hate being useless for so long. The only relief I get from feeling crappy is my communication with professors who are in the process of helping me figure out my courses for Fall. Then there is my nephew, who is a heavenly delight with a lot of chocolate sauce.

Then there is Sunshine. I'm considering going to Bangalore to look for him - which is a completely absurd idea - but something I'm very capable of doing.

Any one in Bangalore reading this?

2008-07-19T09:37:00.001-04:00

So it feels like I haven't got closure on the Nepal trip. Here are some details I didn't mention earlier.

1. Sleeping on wood is something I did more than once on my trip, and it wasn't fun at all. I understand that people do it all the time - but with all the traveling and sleep deprivation, I really couldn't take it. Then the bed bugs were the icing on the cake - with my ear swollen to double it's size, my arm, my finger, foot, and stomach! The night of the attack, I really thought I will die. I woke up and saw four other people sleeping peacefully in the same room, with one of them on the same bed as me!

2. My friend and I sat around feeding a chicken some fruit in the evening, went up for a nap, heard the chicken being chased, slaughtered, and then had it for dinner. Lovely, isn't it?

3. We went to watch a Nepali film "Jan Yudh" (People's War) in a local theatre. There have been quite a few mainstream films being produced on the Maoist movement since the cease fire was declared. You get to see the regular song and dance while the story of Maoism in Nepal unfolds. So we reached the theatre around fifteen minutes late, afraid we missed the beginning. But as luck would have it, we were right in time for the beginning credits. It was only during the interval that we discovered that the show had been delayed because of us!

4. I've never in my life shaken so many hands. In the "party", its normal to shake hands with everyone you meet, when you meet them, and when you leave them - even when there are say twenty five people in the room, and there were five of us. That's a lot of handshaking - hundred and twenty five, I think. The worst was after I had a beg bug incident on day 2, much before the final attack, and my right hand was swollen and in pain, and was shaken all around :(

5. Kathmandu is really beautiful. This is the view from the airport at dawn. The clouds were below the trees in the valley!

6. I was wrong about flying being unadventurous. My flight back from Kathmandu to Delhi was quite an adventure. I wasn't allowed to board the flight, since I didn't have my passport or a voter's ID. So I called up my friend, and we went to the Indian Embassy to get a travel document, before which I got my passport size photo clicked, only to find out that the officer who signs the document decided to skip work on a Sunday morning. They would give me the document if only some one died or was dying in Delhi. My need to go back home wasn't urgent enough for them. So we decided to go around Kathmandu, eat, shop, and make merry. My passport arrived in the afternoon, and I boarded the evening flight, after a very eventful day.

7. Flying was fun because of the circumstances, but I would still suggest going to Nepal by road. The journey from Gorakhpur to the border is full of mango orchards on both sides of the road - very green and fresh, especially when it's rainy. Then the whole way from the border to Kathmandu is far more beautiful and comfortable than any of the Himachal destinations. The roads were far wider, the valley gorgeous. MUST, MUST GO.

8. The first thing we noticed as soon as we crossed over to Nepal was the abundance of booze. Every tea stall had a cupboard full of whiskey, beer, and rum. There was so much of it that I almost didn't feel like having any. The only drink that made me curious was Orangeboom - but unfortunately I couldn't even taste it. The only alcohol I had on the trip was the rum chocolate mousse I shared with my friend on the last day in Kathmandu. Another thing on the list of things to do when I go back :P

home away from home away from home

2008-07-16T13:53:00.008-04:00

So even though it takes me a long time to figure out things, I'm glad it happens eventually.

I never liked the word "roots", when used to describe one's attachment with culture/territory. It seemed conservative and restrictive. Why does any one have to be trapped in their "roots", I asked. Why can't I be a global citizen? Live where I want, how ever I want?

And now the only word that comes closest to describing me in the past few months is "uprooted".

Uprooted is what I was all this time, living in an alien land.
Uprooted is what my film looks like to me, since it doesn't know where it belongs.
Uprooted is what I can't afford to be anymore.

I see now that I can flourish only when I stick to my roots.
There is no other way.

Sex and the Countryside

2008-07-14T15:15:00.005-04:00

So what if I didn't get to see the film Sex and the City, or rather chose not to, I got to see a lot of sex in the countryside.
I've read the book - more out of curiosity for it's censorship than any other reason - yet I wasn't prepared for the visual version of it. The sex scenes were done well. There were so many of them that it almost became mundane, yet there was a lot of variety in terms of angels and positions, I mean of the camera of course ;) The funniest was when this security guard person ran across the screen in between, and the audience finally found an outlet for all the sexual tension in the theatre and burst out laughing!

Today I saw Amar Kanwar's The Lightning Testimonies, and I wasn't disappointed at all. It was so very well made considering the mammoth of an issue that he was dealing with. And he was so awesome when he spoke after the film. I would give my left arm and leg for that kind of wisdom and clarity!

Then there was Johnny Gaddar. It was a late night show, and my traitor of a friend ditched me. So I decided to watch some of it, be a good girl and head back to mommy who would loose sleep otherwise. Turns out that mommy had a wedding to go to, and the film was the kind you just don't leave mid-way. The funniest part in this one was that every single English dialogue, or even word that poor Dharmendra would speak, the audience would crack up. Even though out of respect I didn't want to laugh, and then I just had to, I kept wondering why anyone would give him such lines, when the same thing in Hindi would sound just fine. Maybe the humor was intentional - which makes me the foolish one :(

Let me go back to sulking mode for my absconding soulmate. This is so unlike him, and I'm beyond worrying, but it will be a month tomorrow since we last communicated. Feels like much longer.

Have to end on a cheerer note. Here it is...

2008-07-12T12:36:00.002-04:00

Feeling better. Took a much needed time out with Shrenzy, who was as refreshing as always. Another shoot planned for next weekend, and my own shoots for this week starting Monday. Screw Osian, I want to do substantial work of my own and feel less of a loser before I head back for the second year.

feelin' blu

2008-07-12T05:05:00.002-04:00

It's one of those times when I wish I was an anonymous blogger.

Today's just not been right.
Some distant relative passed away in her sleep this morning. Then I went to the film festival and screwed up the tickets once again. In the last three days I've managed to figure out all the problems one can face with the new ticketing system that these people have. Ran around a bit, and missed the beginning of yet another film.
It's my father's birthday today. He turns fifty five - not very old I guess, but makes me feel sad. Maybe also because he just left for Haridwar with a group of people for some religious work. And he's driving the car himself. Makes me scared thinking of the bad accident he had coming back from the same place the May before last. That was the first time I took care of him - the first time he needed me to do that for him.
Lunch was at this place where I had a beautiful time last year with my Sunshine. He hasn't been in touch with me for over a month now, and has left no lines of communication open to me. I'm not angry with him for doing this, but today I feel sad that he's not around.
I've been feeling very upset witnessing members of my family argue and fight. I almost feel like I'm their child, in terms of how badly it affects me. I worry about the little baby who is between all this, but I'm helpless.
Just want to stay home and unload some of this - but have to go accompany some family for some mundane task, and smile through it.

2008-07-10T23:27:00.003-04:00

Osian's Cinefan is back in Delhi. I saw three films yesterday, and will hopefully see three more today, and lots more in the next eight days.

I stay quite sane when I'm busy, but I also tend to completely forget about things. Like they say, for those under the Gemini zodiac, out of sight is out of mind. But some times real life problems are too crucial to be completely forgotten.

It seems like the days are passing by much faster now. I would hate to leave with unresolved issues within the family. I hate to see them like this. And I lack the maturity to take charge and fix things. All I can do is pray. I remember my god only in times of crisis. And it's time.

Laal Salaam!

2008-07-08T01:14:00.002-04:00

I'm back from my first trip to Nepal. I say first because it seems like there will be many more.

So much happened in the past week. My decision to go on the trip came out of my habit of throwing myself outside my comfort zone. This time it was way out, and I literally escaped by flying back home three days before I was supposed to be back by bus/train with the group.

The discomfort came from several things. The whole idea of going with a group who had an agenda of their own was a bad idea. I forgot that I don't work well in groups, especially when I'm not in control. I had been thinking of my trip to Ayodhya with a friend last year who had also gone with a particular task in mind, and we worked well together. She interviewed people, while I filmed them. I assumed that this time would be the same. But it really wasn't. Firstly, I was uninformed about the working of the CPN (Maoist) Party that we were going to be working with, so I couldn't really participate too much. Secondly, the group I was with had certain expectations of me that I didn't want to live up to - and being obliged to do something really puts me off. Another reason was that my association with the group gradually made me uncomfortable. They all belong to the same university and student political organization. Initially it was fun being associated with both the university and political party, but later on, as I better understood their ideas and opinions, I felt very uneasy being a part of the group.

The worst part was being in Kathmandu (which is really awesome) and not being able to look around or shop! The people I was with were so keen on using every second of the day "purposefully", giving us not enough time to even sleep. Whatever.

Lets talk about the good stuff. I met a friend who was my junior in college, and now lives there. It was quite an experience meeting her. Here, in Delhi, she was very reserved and almost felt out of place. When I met her in Nepal, she was so different - confident, comfortable, in her element. She reminded me of the change that I saw in myself when I came back to Delhi this time. I guess this means that Delhi is where I'm meant to be.

Another thing she made me think about was parents. My friend's parents are very involved in the politics of Nepal. Now she too works for the same political party. When I asked her whether she joined the party out of compulsion or choice, she said that her parents didn't force her to join, but wanted her to understand and support their work - and that she herself knew from a very young age that she has to work for the same cause. I was surprised to see such wisdom in her - this girl who looks not a day more than sixteen, and yet is so sure of herself. Her's was not the naive confidence that comes with youth, but the awareness of reality that has been forced on her from the day she was born.

The highlight of the trip for me was the evening when we all went to me friend's aunt's house. We sat in a circle on the floor with ingredients for Buff Momos (dumplings with buffalo meat stuffing). There was no electricity, so candles were lit. Work was delegated and we started churning out Momos at the speed of light. One set was sent to be steamed, while the second set was prepared. First round of sizzling, delicious Momos with a tasty tomato chutney arrived, while the second set of Momos were sent off to the steamer, and work of the third round started. I have no idea how many I ate - not just for dinner that night, but leftover ones that were fried for breakfast the next morning. It was a fantasy come true for a Momo lover like me :) And just the idea of the whole family sitting together and making dinner was so cool.

Another cool thing that I missed out on was the Newari tradition of drinking alcohol. My friend's Uncle was about to bring out the wine after the heavenly Momo dinner, just when we all had to leave for an interview!

I will probably go back to Nepal in later posts, but for now enough about Nepal.

Many of you know about the recent Delhi bloggers' meet that was left incomplete in my mind. I seriously request a reenactment - with the same food, drinks, people (those who couldn't make it that day will be welcome :)), and most importantly the same weather! Raising T has agreed to give it a shot, but will take about ten days to prepare. Any more volunteers?

I feel like quite the traitor enjoying myself in Delhi, while all the bloggers in America feel alienated. Daisy, let's plan an imaginary bloggers' meet, where we all sit in our homes and take pictures posing with imaginary bloggers, and then photoshop them to make our very own Desis in America Bloggers' meet! What do you say?? I need a break? Hmm...I thought so..

2008-07-02T10:16:00.002-04:00

I have around 7 minutes to do this.

Firstly, thanks for the comments on the previous post. I will get to them only once i get back to Delhi.

Nepal trip has been quite eventful. I shook hands with Prachanda today! And I'm not kidding this time - Aditya, you can look him up, in case you don't follow Nepal politics. I also met and shot interviews with Baburam Bhattarai and Hisila Yami! I know, I know - I am awesome!

Okay so some of you know about the bloggers' meet that I went to minutes before I had to catch the train to Gorakhpur. It was so much fun that I didn't want to leave. The whether was lovely, the people were extremely interesting, and the alcohol was about to be uncorked! Sis has promised to cover up for that hasty exit with a bloggers' meet at her place soon. You all in Delhi should make sure she actually does it.

Talking of sis, Baby T has started walking, I hear! So cool, right?

Okay, so i should go now. I'm sort of tired and can't wait to get back home, even though there is still a lot to do here. Will write soon - probably only after i get home. Tata!

Singapore Recap

2008-06-27T12:34:00.004-04:00

My legs hurt, my right arm is sort of swollen and in pain, my throat hurts, and the left side of my tummy hurts. Lets see how all this happened.

The plane ride was fun. Baby T had a bassinet for himself, so we had some room. I managed to watch "Mithya" on the very cool personal screen. There were lots of films, but this was the only one I really wanted to watch, and was short enough to squeeze in between all the Baby T interruptions. The food was okay, the red wine was nicer, but not enough :(

My aunt and cousin had come to the airport to pick us up. The cousin looked taller than before - she is 13 - and aunt looked just the same. Though they all go to Delhi very often, I saw them after almost a year, since I have been away. The food at home was awesome, though vegetarian.

Since then we have been eating out, shopping, eating out, shopping, eating out...oh, and did I mention eating out???

My aunt and uncle took us to really nice places - we had Mediterranean, Thai, Mexican, Italian, Indian coastal with the family. I tried some local sea food which was really good. Basically since we came here we (Baby T, sis, and I) have been over-eating our every meal! And Singapore is the place to be if you love food. They have a food festival coming up in July, but that's just a sham. In Singapore, all twelve months are a food festival! There are a million places to eat out - on the river side, at the beach, in quaint little village towns, open cafes outside the big malls, Chinatown, Arab Street, and the list never ends. This is the reason my tummy hurts.

Yesterday morning we headed for the beach. My cousin, who by now had become really annoying due to her obsessive attention crave, forced me to try roller skating. Now very few people know that I have SAD (severe alignment disorder), which means that I have never in my life been able to cycle, skate, dance, draw a straight line, or swim amongst many other activities. So obviously I fell down - very badly - twice - and took my aunt down with me. Poor thing - she already had a back problem! So this is why my arm is swollen.

My sister loves to shop. I have held it against her many a times, and in return received accusations of being a hypocrite. First day of shopping without Baby T (we left him home with the aunt and the cousin - all of us very happy with this arrangement), I realized that I like shopping when I am involved in it myself! What a revelation, right? So then today, we truly shopped till we dropped! My biggest buy was a very cool tripod that I desperately needed! It's really small and very handy. Then I also got a small camera bag for my poor handycam and my SLR - both have been without a bag since they arrived. So this is why my legs hurt.

My throat hurts because I decided to sleep on the floor directly under the AC without a blanket, after two horrible nights on the bed. The bed's mattress didn't suit me, which meant that it gave me back pain, and really, really horrible nightmares.

Now tomorrow is our last day here. We're going to do very little shopping, and spend more time at home with uncle and aunt. Then we arrive in Delhi around 2am Saturday night, and I leave for Nepal 8pm Sunday night. In between there are lots of things to do, which includes my first bloggers' meet! Yes, I'm sort of invited to MM's house for a meet Sunday evening at 6 - god knows how I'll make it, or if at all I will, but I'm really excited! Any Delhi bloggers lurking around here?
Then there is the temple visit early morning to satisfy my mother. And this, which I will probably end up missing! But I'm really excited that it's actually going to happen in Delhi!

I should sleep now - this might be my last full night's sleep in many days to come. With all this body ache, I'm going back to the horrible bed to sleep next to my Baby T. Wish me nicer than nightmare dreams :)

2008-06-25T12:34:00.005-04:00

This is probably the coolest (and funniest) kid in the world!!!

Half a day in the airplane, and a day and a half in Singapore has been mostly about spending quality time with Baby T. There are so many things I discovered only now that I'm perpetually living with him. You really have to meet him to believe how awesome this kid is! Can't wait to see what he's like when he's older..

P.S. - this is his first bald pic on my blog! and the glasses he's wearing are his Mom's - after he violently pulled them off her eyes - what a sweet baby! :D

making of..

2008-06-22T14:55:00.007-04:00

I discovered the best way to shoot a film tonight. Four people (two actors, one director, and one camera person), three pitchers of beer, two scenes, one location!

We started shooting the film at 10PM, after three hours of sitting in the bar and talking about relationships, childhood, and communal tensions in UP. In the process, I find a great subject for my film.

The film we are dealing with now needs one more day of shooting. It was so exciting, shooting surreptitiously in CP at night, running away from all forms of authority, trying to get the 'making out' sequence on camera. The 'making out' is scandalous not just because it's a public display of lust (!), but because it's between two people of the same gender. Soon enough we got support from fellow cruisers in the 'cruising area' that is the park on top of Pallika bazaar. Now we're all set to finish the film tomorrow night, if everything works out. Or I'll be off the project since I'm leaving for Singapore early morning of the day after.

Yes, the Singapore plan is back on. Yet again, it was my passive aggressiveness that led to a decision. Whatever it was, it should be fun. There are a few places I'm still curious about in Singapore, and I'm sure much has changed since I went there last in 2005. Though we'll be there only for four days, I'll get to spend quality time with my Aunt and Uncle who are responsible for all my achievements in the past, present, and future.

After that, there is a tentative plan for Nepal, which will be super exciting. If it does really happen, I will be going by train and road with a group of people - so no need to worry about safety, or lack of adventure :)

I see that most of the bloggers I read have vanished - very disappointing :(

I finished Tagore's Ghare Baire, and am on to Anita Desai's The Zigzag Way.

More later.. NC

2008-06-21T15:21:00.004-04:00

So I don't feel like making another list of events. I seem to think blogging is about documenting my life. Who cares about what I did today or yesterday. I don't care either, and neither will I twenty years down the line. I don't even remember what I did last week - who I met on what day, or who said what. Well, that's a whole other story - my ever lapsing short term memory!

The point is, I haven't really introspected in a long, long time - years, maybe. And that is my problem. I spent most of my childhood and teenage in introspection. I used to think very creatively and clearly. Now all that seems to be lost somewhere in my past. Those years were so wonderful, when I used to think I was so special because of the way my mind worked, and I really was. Then I got lost - and here I am - negative, insecure, and stupid.

Over the years, a lot of things happened. They were mostly negative experiences which made me stronger during the struggles, but return to haunt me constantly. I became fiercely independent. I lost trust in everyone around me - those involved were just not capable of helping, and others were better off not knowing, or so I believed.

Now, when my life is next to perfect, I feel restless. I am my sole enemy at this moment. My eyes are as blurry as my mind. I hurt people who I care for the most. I have no confidence in my ability as a filmmaker, if I dare to call myself one at all! I want some peace of mind - in stead I go around looking for company from the second I open my eyes in the morning, until my eyes drop under the weight of my tired mind - tired of running around in meaningless circles. My mental strength has deteriorated radically. Whenever I want myself to take stock and change my ways, I seem to be possessed, and fail to do the right thing.

Will I be able to gather myself again? Is it possible to be the person that I once was?

I sort of believe that our personalities are formed in our childhood, and no matter how hard you try, or are forced to change, you eventually fall back into the same mould. If that is true, then I'm not worried. I want to go back to my very own ways of self-love that gave me so much joy - but for that, I need to work and make myself worthy of that love.

If only my dear Sunshine was with me, he would tell you how we both believe in the Self more than anything else. If the Self is not satisfied, nothing around us will ever be. Sunshine helped me come out of many a pitfalls, but this time I'm on my own, whether I like it or not.

"One only achieves that which one contemplates", believes Sandipbabu in Tagore's Ghare Baire. For me, reading has been the first step to healing. Being able to sit alone with a book is quite an accomplishment for my restless mind. After Chetan Bhagat's very filmy book, it's Tagore's "The Home and the World" that is taking me closer to sanity.

Here it is...

2008-06-21T15:10:00.002-04:00

my very own blog email ID!

Now you can drop me an email when the comment space seems too less, or when it's too personal, or when you have no life, or if you feel like starting an anonymous life-long friendship, or if you're really hot looking :)

nostalgicchica@gmail.com
what did you expect!?

last night..

2008-06-20T01:10:00.003-04:00

Sumi and I had fun in my Mac photo booth. How cute are we!
Guess, who is who?

Hint: I'm the one with dark circles under my eyes :)

2008-06-16T04:51:00.004-04:00

A couple of things I forgot:

I recently finished "Bye-Bye Blackbird" by Anita Desai, and really wanted to share an excerpt.

"He stood in the middle of Oxford Street, watching the traffic that kept him trapped on an island. Bus, train, car swept by - bus, taxi, car, with a monotony, a predictability that made him burn with longing to see one bullock-cart wander into the fray, only to make an alteration in the single, swift tempo of the London traffic. A slow meandering, creaking bullock-cart, he prayed, or a monkey wallah with his frocked and capped monkeys jingling the bells on their delicate ankles, or a marriage procession preceded by a brass band, decked in marigolds and tinsel - anything, he prayed, anything different in color, tempo, sound, flavor; anything individual and eccentric, unruly and unplanned, anything Indian at all."

The book made me think about how differently difficult the lives were of Indians living abroad a few decades ago, especially for those who went with a fascination for the new country, and then went on to feel discriminated. Also, the lack of awareness in the host nation about the home nation - and the problems of communication in the absence of internet! And yet, at some level, the experience is just the same.

I'm reading Chetan Bhagat's new book "The 3 mistakes of my life". I was curious to see what the deal is with him, and was surprised to discover that the book addresses Hindu fundamentalism in a very real scenario - the Gujarat of the early 2000s.

I got lots of other books - my mom sponsored the great belated-birthday book splurge!
More on that later..

2008-06-16T03:32:00.003-04:00

My lack of blogging is generally a sign of things going wrong back in NY. In Delhi, it seems to be the opposite.

Things are going at a slow yet steady pace. I turned 23 without much noise here in the hills of Uttaranchal. Contrary to Apple B's prediction, I was not showered with gifts. My family was quite unprepared for the birthday due to their preparations for the trip, which worked out very well for me. I'm very hard to please with readymade gifts.

Baby T was good fun. He's madly in love with my Dad, and would turn red in the face every time he had to leave him to go to the next room with his parents! My dad was committed to teaching Baby T to walk - and we got a few steps from him a few times. But every time Baby T would take two-three steps, all five of us would show our delight in our standard loud, Punjabi manner (that we are so ashamed of) - and poor Baby T would get scared and land on his ass.

Baby T gave me a very special birthday gift. He started saying "Maa - chee". "Maa" comes from what he calls his mom - and "chee" is what he knows as an expression of disgust. So basically he refers to me as a disgusting version of his mom! And some times, when he feels especially smart-assed, he says "Baa - chee", translated into human talk means "baasi", or stale! Also, he finds the second part ("Chee") very amusing - so in the end, a simple "maasi" sounds very much like an insult, but I do appreciate the effort :)

I did have a good time the day before my birthday - had a spicy mallu meal at Kerela House, saw Sarkar Raj against my wishes but ended up enjoying it, saw Aamir followed by a good time at India Gate until midnight. After the holiday, I've celebrated with two groups of friends. With one, we got crazy drunk at Blues and went on to sing the night away (I was the happy listener, and in charge of the playlist) in Central Park. After all, I was with a trained Indian classical singer, and a trained opera singer! We're planning a musical gathering at my sister's place soon - since she has a cool keyboard form her pre-Baby T days. And I really need to collaborate with musicians for my films - so this is how I start networking - and also learning about what I need from them.

The second post-birthday party was yesterday with my school friends. We wanted to go to the new amusement park in Noida (we're not in school anymore, I know, but try telling them!), and then it started pouring. The rain hasn't stopped since, and I'm thrilled! So amusement park was replaced by bad food in a food court of this crazy huge mall next to the amusement park. Then it was Barista, a few colorful sheets of paper and pens (from the big stationary store in the mall where we indulged ourselves), and our favorite childhood game.

Now the sad bit - haven't met Sunshine yet. He's not in Delhi and isn't expected for another ten-fifteen days, which is a problem since I need to plan my trips soon. My family wanted to visit my Aunt in Singapore, but thanks to the efficiency of the passport office, Baby T's passport has taken over two months and is still being processed! If that does not work out in a day or two, the trip will be cancelled, or it'll be just me going to meet my disappointed little cousin who is eagerly expecting the whole family!

After that is the trip to Nepal with a friend to meet a friend who lives there. That is tentatively planned for the first week of July, but traveling is the big issue. By train and road is adventurous (but highly unsafe), and by air is too expensive (and completely devoid of adventure). Any one reading this know anything about cheap and safe (and adventurous) ways to reach Kathmandu??

Apart from all the traveling plans, there are the filmmaking plans. I have a shoot tomorrow, for which I will have to rent a camera. Though the act of paying money to get equipment seems unfair to a student like me, it does give me a sense of responsibility for the quality of what I shoot. This is for a documentary that I want to make in the Nizamuddin basti. Then there is the narrative that I'm seriously considering now.

Have to go eat now - here is my favorite place - my window seat. Don't miss the Pepsi bottle :)

2008-06-05T22:41:00.002-04:00

My passive aggressiveness has worked yet again. The birthday trip is back on. The place doesn't sound exciting, but we will get some much needed time together, and away from the rest of the world.

Yesterday was another good day. Started off slow. Then I met BH in the evening. Some times I feel that he is the only wise person I know in the whole world.

And then there was dinner. Everything made with mangoes. I never thought I would say this. Awesome vegetarian food! Loved the mango rice, and everything else. Inspired me to try some new recipes when I go back.

________Nostalgic Chica Tales_______