random rants and revelations

I've seen my Mom twice on the web cam since I came here. Today was the third time. In the fifteen minutes that we were online, she reminded me why we don't get along.

First, she asked me if I was wearing a sweater - my sis from behind her said that it's something she had bought for me. Mom's next obvious question had to be, did you sleep in that nice top? I said no, I slept in a spaghetti (which predictably made her uncomfortable). I was rubbing my face trying to look awake and I felt something stuck on my hand. I looked at my hand to see what it is. Instantly she says, "what's wrong with your hand?" I say, "it's nothing". Then she goes on to say that my hair is too short, I look like a boy, and I look fat. Thankfully, I'm not hurt by brutal honesty about my appearance, but can you imagine what that would do to some one who does?

This wasn't anything new. I just forget it's like this when I'm not around her. This was another reason I left.

Yesterday I was eating a banana. When the spoilt black part came, I had to scrape it off with a knife. That is something my Mom did everyday for me, with her own hands. As soon as the spoilt part would come, I would tell her I don't want to eat anymore. She wouldn't have the opportunity to go to the kitchen and get a knife, so would quickly break it with her fingers and give me the nice, clean part. I think of her when I eat bananas. Even oranges.

I know when I go home this time, I will have to change. I will have to be the bigger one and let go. I will have to negotiate more effectively than before. I can't afford to be my old self if I'm there only for three months. No point fighting for freedoms when the restrictions last only a few weeks.

She also told me that the Olympic torch safely passed through Delhi. She was relieved knowing that there was no violence. In passing she mentioned that some Tibetans were arrested. She said that Chinese terrorists have come to Delhi because of these Tibetans, and there had been a fear of an attack by them. It got harder and harder for me to speak as she was saying all this. She didn't notice, and we said our goodbyes. Another reminder why we don't get along.

But she did say I look fat, which is great! I guess there really must be something in the air here, or the junk food that I live on. I starve for a few hours every day, and yet I look fat! That's awesome! I really can feel the insides of my stomach/intestine everyday at least twice - in the mornings when I get up and don't eat anything for a few hours (like right now), and in the evenings when I'm on campus and it is a question of wasting money by eating on campus, or waiting a few hours to go home and eat. I usually wait.

Dreamt of Shrenzy last night :) Can't wait to see him :D

Did I tell you Devil E is racist? She is so fucking racist. I hear it's an Italian thing :-/
Anyways, I have to spend a couple of hours with her in the afternoon. I so wish she had not come into my life! She forced me to be her AD and now has the guts to tell me that I let her down. If I am disinterested then it is not my fault. It is what came after confusion, because of her stupid project's fault which doesn't know what the fuck it's supposed to be.

On a brighter note, I'm being forced to go to "Basant" this Saturday. It is a silly Indian cultural show on campus, organized by a bunch of people I either don't like, or have never spoken to. And yet, we are going. Wearing our native costumes. Colorful and made up. To watch these monkeys jump on the stage. I'm dragging my Taiwanese friend along ;) There will be Indian food after the show. I'm not so excited about it because I'm so close to going back home. My friend Brend is the only one who will not be going home in the summer. So for her, I shall subject myself to this silliness.

I bought a basketball for myself two days back. I'm excited to get back in shape and play regularly. I've been painting regularly. I'm not good at all, but I love it. I've pasted my artwork on the wall. It's strange how painting gives you more freedom than writing, or photo/filming. I'm hoping to continue and get better at it.

Oh, also. Let me start from the beginning. When we shoot scenes, one person has to hold the mic that is connected to a long boom pole. Sometimes the mic can come into the shot if the person doesn't hold it steadily or doesn't know what the framing is of the shot. Devil E was the boom operator for my film, and she is in so many shots! So, yesterday I had fun with Final Cut Pro. I learnt how to use this cool filter that helped me get rid of the mic in my shot. I love editing. And thanks to my friend, I have the Final Cut Pro Studio free of cost!

Since we are on the subject, I had a revelation a couple of nights ago. When I was a child, I wanted to become a writer. When I was in high school, I wanted to be a computer person. When I was in college, I wanted to become a photographer. After I finished my undergrad, I wanted to do something with political science. Subconsciously, I chose the absolutely perfect profession for myself. Film. I get to write scripts. I get to work on political issues for my films. I get to film, which is even better than photography, but in a way very similar. And I get to edit, with big computer screens and cool softwares. I'm so happy to be reassured that I'm on the right track :)

Enough, I should go talk to a real person now.


Edited to add: Since there is no real person around, here are photos of my artwork.


This is the color wall. The paintings are in a chronological order so that I can trace my progress - from left to right. As you can see, there isn't any.


This is the black and white wall.