So I don't feel like making another list of events. I seem to think blogging is about documenting my life. Who cares about what I did today or yesterday. I don't care either, and neither will I twenty years down the line. I don't even remember what I did last week - who I met on what day, or who said what. Well, that's a whole other story - my ever lapsing short term memory!

The point is, I haven't really introspected in a long, long time - years, maybe. And that is my problem. I spent most of my childhood and teenage in introspection. I used to think very creatively and clearly. Now all that seems to be lost somewhere in my past. Those years were so wonderful, when I used to think I was so special because of the way my mind worked, and I really was. Then I got lost - and here I am - negative, insecure, and stupid.

Over the years, a lot of things happened. They were mostly negative experiences which made me stronger during the struggles, but return to haunt me constantly. I became fiercely independent. I lost trust in everyone around me - those involved were just not capable of helping, and others were better off not knowing, or so I believed.

Now, when my life is next to perfect, I feel restless. I am my sole enemy at this moment. My eyes are as blurry as my mind. I hurt people who I care for the most. I have no confidence in my ability as a filmmaker, if I dare to call myself one at all! I want some peace of mind - in stead I go around looking for company from the second I open my eyes in the morning, until my eyes drop under the weight of my tired mind - tired of running around in meaningless circles. My mental strength has deteriorated radically. Whenever I want myself to take stock and change my ways, I seem to be possessed, and fail to do the right thing.

Will I be able to gather myself again? Is it possible to be the person that I once was?

I sort of believe that our personalities are formed in our childhood, and no matter how hard you try, or are forced to change, you eventually fall back into the same mould. If that is true, then I'm not worried. I want to go back to my very own ways of self-love that gave me so much joy - but for that, I need to work and make myself worthy of that love.

If only my dear Sunshine was with me, he would tell you how we both believe in the Self more than anything else. If the Self is not satisfied, nothing around us will ever be. Sunshine helped me come out of many a pitfalls, but this time I'm on my own, whether I like it or not.

"One only achieves that which one contemplates", believes Sandipbabu in Tagore's Ghare Baire. For me, reading has been the first step to healing. Being able to sit alone with a book is quite an accomplishment for my restless mind. After Chetan Bhagat's very filmy book, it's Tagore's "The Home and the World" that is taking me closer to sanity.