I'm leaving this shit hole in 6 hours. I don't know why I'm like this. I mean I know it's me, not this place. It is this place too, but its more me than anything else.

There is this shitty class that I'm taking this quarter - it's a wonderful class but it's shitty because I'm learning things that are not meant to be learnt in this class. It's history and aesthetics of Middle Eastern films. Sounds great - doesn't it? I thought we would watch lots of Iranian films because that's all the cinema I have been exposed to from the Middle East. I did think it would be an interesting class to take in an American university at this point in time. In stead what I have got in these past three weeks is great cinema from Iraq, Egypt and Turkey, and a lot of shitty ignorant ideas from the undergrad students who make me feel completely out of place, and more importantly give me the identity of a third worlder. I have never felt worse in my life. 

Then I think, maybe it's me. It has to be me. I mean I've seen people from outside of India live in India. They are so enthusiastic about learning the language, the food, the culture and all that. I feel none of that. After weekends that have been spent lazying around at home, I feel odd even when I hear their accent. It's like I shut myself in my own world and refuse to assimilate. But that's the problem. I don't want to assimilate. I did not come here to assimilate. I don't want the accent, or the slang, or the materialism, or the good natured greetings (which are more mechanized than meaningful - late at night the McDonald's drive-in lady gave me my food and said "have a nice day"!). 

Priceless quotes from my class:

*AC is the professor who is trying hard to sound knowledgeable about Middle Eastern cultures. 

Stupid white kid 1

Stupid white kid 2*

During the discussion after we watched a Turkish film called Journey to the Sun...

AC: About the scene in the garbage dump where the cows were looking for food - when was the last time you saw something like this? 

(No response)

Me in my head: How many months since I was home...umm...2, 3, 4...

AC: What do you think that means - cows eating garbage?

Stupid white kid 1: Recession? 

Me in my head: WTF!

AC: It means they don't have access to grass.

Later in the discussion:

Stupid white kid 2: I didn't really understand why Mehmet (the protagonist) was carrying a gun. (This was the big turning point in the film)

AC (clearly disappointed by this comment): He wasn't.

Stupid white kid 2: That was his bag...wasn't it?

AC: No. It was the other guy sitting next to him on the bus who left the bag under the seat and got out of the bus in a hurry when he saw the police road block ahead. 

(Flashback to the screening of the film: when I saw the nervous looking guy get up from the seat and leave the bag behind him - I was really almost about to scream out loud "It's a bomb - BOMB!")

Stupid white kid 2: Oh! I didn't get that part. Why didn't he just say the bag wasn't his?

AC along with a few sane people in class: HE DID!

AC: Any other comments about the film?

Stupid white kid 2: The cops in Turkey are mean!

(AC continues to indulge her - I think she gets pleasure out of letting white kids say stupid things)

AC: Do you think they are mean because they were mean to Mehmet (the protagonist) who was a suspected criminal?

Stupid white kid 2: They stop everyone and ask for their passports or IDs or something. And they have road blocks everywhere. I'm never going to Turkey.

So much for understanding other cultures!

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Despite my rage every Tuesday evening during and after this class, there are some people who make me want to be here. I am sure I'll find a way out. I don't want to be mean - god forbid these kids might refuse to visit my country!!! - but they REALLY REALLY PISS ME OFF! I have no tolerance for such gross misconceptions of the world. Especially when they dismiss or reject or insult things that are a reality in my world. Who gives them the right to do this, even out of ignorance? They should keep their stupid mouths shut. I'm afraid I'll let it all out in class some day soon - I sit there boiling with anger - not sure if it's appropriate or even worthwhile to share my thoughts. This wonderful sounding course has turned into a nightmare. Save me someone!

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So now I think maybe I'm not perpetually depressed, but merely in constant anguish.

The existentialist frankly states that man is in anguish. His meaning is as follows: When a man commits himself to anything, fully realising that he is not only choosing what he will be, but is thereby at the same time a legislator deciding for the whole of mankind – in such a moment a man cannot escape from the sense of complete and profound responsibility. There are many, indeed, who show no such anxiety. But we affirm that they are merely disguising their anguish or are in flight from it. 

- Jean-Paul Sartre (1946)

Makes me feel better knowing that I am not disguising or escaping my anguish but feeling it every single day. I made up with a friend yesterday. The best feeling in the world is when friends understand and accept my selfish acts. I wish I had more friends around.

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I end on a happy note..with this fun song. I don't care what you think about the film. I thought it was really cool - Abhay Deol is as cute as always - and the dialogue and characters are really authentically West Delhi. I really know a "Bangali" - and the name was given to him by a punjabi. What else can I say! Enjoy! 

Baby T has mastered the chorus thanks to me :)