walk me home

It must have been so funny for anyone who watched me walk home tonight.

The street was dark with unexpected puddles of water and intermittent headlights of cars speeding by. I walked this whole patch from the nearby store to home with a heavy bagpack. I started out with the intention of enjoying the cold night - covered from head to toe, with limited vision, I strolled for a while. Suddenly I realize I'm almost running. I stop. I remind myself that I am in no hurry to get home. I force my feet to be patient. They give in and I once again get lost in my thoughts. I cross the street and hear some people in the distance. I find myself walking faster again. I think I'm reacting to the presence of the voices. I tell myself not to care about anyone around and enjoy this little time I have to myself. I slow down. I take each step with extreme caution, so as to maintain an even and easy pace. I remember the night I was walking in the club lawn back in Delhi. The moon was big and bright, and so many stars adorned the sky. I feel the grass under my feet just like when I walked bare-foot on that pleasant summer night. Every step I took that night felt like it meant something - like I was going somewhere. And then I see a shadow coming close to my shadow. I tell myself not to be afraid. This is not Delhi. I am safe here. And I stop myself from looking back, walking even more slowly now. I see the shadow again, this time confirming that it is not just my imagination. I step to the extreme right of the sidewalk giving way to whoever is behind me. He walks up and passes by humming under his breath. I stare at the pathway wondering what kind of a world is this - where I'm not afraid of strange men at night! This is not real. Reality is ugly - it is full of fears and limitations. I feel like I'm inside a television set, living in a made-up world. By this time I reach home and all I can think about is getting rid of my heavy bag and settle into my cozy bed in front of the TV!

Its hard to comprehend the effects of displacement, especially when it's voluntary. But I know for a fact that I'm going to be quite substantially and irreparably screwed up in the long term.

The one who watched me walk home tonight is absolutely clueless about all of this...and so I get to have the last laugh :)