Here's a post I wrote last week...didn't have internet access that morning.

You know when you spend time with someone and feel a bond develop right in front of your eyes? You know when you never spend enough time with someone and feel the pressure to develop that bond and it just doesn’t happen?

This for me is the difference between my friends, and my family. I didn’t sleep all night, and stayed up some more to meet my Dad who I didn’t get to meet yesterday. I sat around them as they had their morning tea. Before I left Delhi, I would talk to my Dad every morning – fill him in on my life, and he would give his feedback, almost always positive. I don’t know when this ritual began – maybe after my sister got married. My memory is as good as my dog’s, so never mind.

This morning, it took me a while to start off where we left. Soon I realized there was so much they didn’t know – so much I had to tell them. They didn’t know the details of the Tibet-China fiasco in my life, or had any idea about my plans for a term in Croatia next year, or the rising gas and food prices back in NY, and so much else. Very soon I realized that I can’t ever talk with them to my heart’s content – they are always in a hurry. They prioritized long back, when I was ten or so. Though now I’m old enough to not believe that they don’t love me, I am still not old enough to be okay with the fact that there are more important things in their life than me. Do I sound like an attention seeking child, who doesn’t care about her parents but wants them to care about her the most? Not really – I’m a child who has known all her life that if given a choice, her parents will choose something else over her. Be it a school function where I performed on stage for the first time, or birthdays, PTA meetings, family get-togethers, my sister’s wedding – everything had to either revolve around their schedule, or would not be attended. I had forgotten all this until it came back to me this morning.

Life is strange, isn’t it? One incident in your childhood can shape your relationship for the rest of your life. It was the dance performance missed by my Mom when I was ten that did it for me – I became a rebellious, angry child then on. I wonder what would be different if only my parents had explained the situation to me back then – if they had told me they loved me.

When I left home, I had been leading a very lonely, destructive life. I’m afraid I will soon settle into the same routine. Everyone has their own life, and want me around just to help. No one here has seriously wanted to watch my film – too busy to sit down with me and truly talk. They did show some interest in watching it – of course they would – they are nice, caring people – they always have been – but always too busy to give me selfless time. I’m left at their mercy, only to look for alternatives to keep me occupied, and then accused of caring more for the alternatives. I hope things are different this time – maybe I’m just over-reacting because of the lack of sleep. I’ve slept for some 12-14 hours in the last four days.

I feel warm, and sick – it’s too early to call anyone. I want to go away – to McLeod or somewhere. Will call up Sumi and make a plan today. Sorry for the excessive self-pity – just thought you should know some more me.