Globetrottering

The world upsets me - but there is no way out, is there?

Globetrotters was an interesting experience. Their humor was refreshing (probably because it was my first time) but their basketball skills left me disappointed. The experience of sitting in a stadium full of people cheering was a bonus. The standing-up-for-the-national-anthem routine was a surprise, and interesting for the same reason (my first time). I didn't know these folks have a national anthem without words! I kept waiting for someone to start singing - but the music went on and on and then stopped. The music was fun - including the globetrotter theme. The hot dog, popcorn and pepsi dinner (there was beer but I resisted) was great.

Walking in downtown after so so many days was a welcome change. The overwhelmed squeal escaped at the sight of an aggressive rush of water flowing under the bridge! This river bed had been sad and dry since I made my first excited trip to downtown in August. My broken heart then recovered tonight :)

It has been confirmed. I should get out more. I felt good exposing myself to an american game experience. There is so much else that I should be doing.

The film this morning, "Head On", was almost stressful. I loved it ofcourse :) but it really drained me. Maybe its because I think a lot about what I saw in the film. It deals with something I struggle with. I loved the music, I loved both the actors and their characters. I was completely immersed in their world. This is what I tell my friend RH - it is hard for me to maintain that distance that a student of film needs to have with the film in order to observe and understand aspects of the story, visuals, lighting, etc. I do notice good compositions, but nothing else, especially in good films such as this one.

RH has been enriching my life with his film collection. Thanks to him I will grow up to have good taste (grow up?!?) :)

Things that bother me

There are some things that bother me regularly since I have come here.
It has been hard blogging about them and so I usually end up procrastinating.
Let me talk about the three main ones today.

In chronological order, the first is the strong presence of China made goods available in this country.
I'm not used to looking at the label before making a purchase - like people here usually look at the ingredients, expiration date, place of production, etc. - I was mostly satisfied only knowing the price. Since I came here, I gradually started noticing how everything (food, clothes, appliances, and everything else) is MADE IN CHINA!

I was shocked (that America doesn't fulfill its own needs), appalled (at how China is so powerful in America), enthused (about taking a pledge against buying Chinese products), and then just sad (at how impossible it is to live in this country without buying Chinese stuff, and no one except me seems to mind it)! It is crazy how Walmart is full of Chinese products. I shudder to think what is in store for our world if China continues to run American households. What will happen the day China refuses to share its produce? The most powerful nation will crack down? China will become the new superpower?

One day a few months ago I thought I would get rid of everything Chinese I have, and document the process with my handycam, and share my experience with others. I soon realized this wasn't going to be so simple. I had an apartment full of Chinese products and unwilling to spend money to replace all of these things, I gave up momentarily. Then on I decided to avoid buying any new things MADE IN CHINA. I have been staying clear of Walmart, which only means that I have to spend more money for the same things and buy American made goods!

It's not just the Chinese state that is evil - US is no better in its behavior and treatment of the rest of the world. I think, why should I just boycott China, and not the US, or even the Indian state for that matter? All states are evil. But China is especially inhumane in the treatment of its workers. What about all the sweatshop workers, you may ask. Maybe I'm ill-equipped to analyse the real situation holistically - but for now it is the omnipotent and omnipresent China that makes me highly uncomfortable.

The second troublesome area is a constant and seems like it will remain so. I found a blogger that addresses the same dilemma... http://gpwebdiary.blogspot.com/2005/11/foreign-returned.html
This post is a list of things that NRIs are expected to say/do when they go back to India from US. I checked the list and it turns out that twelve out of the twenty one are false for me; three seem to be true; I'm not sure about four; and two are things that I used to do before I came here (the sneeze and deo!).

Though the list may not be entirely true for me, it does seem very accurate for people who stay here for long stretches of time. What the list does for me is remind me of how I used to think of all NRIs as snotty and arrogant. They may still be that, but now I see the reason for it.

I spend my days here with my American friends constantly trying to figure out ways of being better understood by them. They don't understand me when I say "she is a spinster", "I bunked my class", "She is so bugging", "it is gross jingoism", "will you have a biscuit", "schedule with a 'd' and not 'j'", and so many other words that I can't recall. It took me many many weeks to get accustomed to writing the month first and then the date. And everyday I wonder how concsious I will have to be while doing this same simple task back in India in the fear of being called "americanized".

I like the way this blogger so simply and aptly describes himself and numerous others like him - "Just another human in New York. NRI for Indians and an 'Alien' for Americans."

The third problem is that of my addiction to pepsi! I know it seems like a silly thing, but I am totally hooked, and not happy about it! Does the pepsi here have a greater caffine content? I don't know. But it does do something for me. What I'm going to say now is going to sound horrible, and it really is - I don't drink water for days together! I need to do something about it but just can't get myself to stop or even reduce the pepsi intake.

Talk about NRI's health conscious crap! I see American kids my age being very health conscious - and I remain the same old me living on my junk! Maybe they will influence me over time, but until then I need to figure out a balance between caffinated/pesticident drinks and water! Seems like an easy choice - but tough to follow through..


# Sunshine returned, but colourless and without warmth #

walk me home

It must have been so funny for anyone who watched me walk home tonight.

The street was dark with unexpected puddles of water and intermittent headlights of cars speeding by. I walked this whole patch from the nearby store to home with a heavy bagpack. I started out with the intention of enjoying the cold night - covered from head to toe, with limited vision, I strolled for a while. Suddenly I realize I'm almost running. I stop. I remind myself that I am in no hurry to get home. I force my feet to be patient. They give in and I once again get lost in my thoughts. I cross the street and hear some people in the distance. I find myself walking faster again. I think I'm reacting to the presence of the voices. I tell myself not to care about anyone around and enjoy this little time I have to myself. I slow down. I take each step with extreme caution, so as to maintain an even and easy pace. I remember the night I was walking in the club lawn back in Delhi. The moon was big and bright, and so many stars adorned the sky. I feel the grass under my feet just like when I walked bare-foot on that pleasant summer night. Every step I took that night felt like it meant something - like I was going somewhere. And then I see a shadow coming close to my shadow. I tell myself not to be afraid. This is not Delhi. I am safe here. And I stop myself from looking back, walking even more slowly now. I see the shadow again, this time confirming that it is not just my imagination. I step to the extreme right of the sidewalk giving way to whoever is behind me. He walks up and passes by humming under his breath. I stare at the pathway wondering what kind of a world is this - where I'm not afraid of strange men at night! This is not real. Reality is ugly - it is full of fears and limitations. I feel like I'm inside a television set, living in a made-up world. By this time I reach home and all I can think about is getting rid of my heavy bag and settle into my cozy bed in front of the TV!

Its hard to comprehend the effects of displacement, especially when it's voluntary. But I know for a fact that I'm going to be quite substantially and irreparably screwed up in the long term.

The one who watched me walk home tonight is absolutely clueless about all of this...and so I get to have the last laugh :)

do you, mister jones?

Life is just so full of surprises.

Yesterday, I found out, I knew the Mr. Jones of Bob Dylan's "Ballad of a Thin Man"!

"You walk into the room
With your pencil in your hand
You see somebody naked
And you say, "Who is that man?"
You try so hard
But you don't understand
Just what you'll say
When you get home

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?

You raise up your head
And you ask, "Is this where it is?"
And somebody points to you and says
"It's his"
And you say, "What's mine?"
And somebody else says, "Where what is?"
And you say, "Oh my God
Am I here all alone?"

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?

You hand in your ticket
And you go watch the geek
Who immediately walks up to you
When he hears you speak
And says, "How does it feel
To be such a freak?"
And you say, "Impossible"
As he hands you a bone

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?

You have many contacts
Among the lumberjacks
To get you facts
When someone attacks your imagination
But nobody has any respect
Anyway they already expect you
To just give a check
To tax-deductible charity organizations

You've been with the professors
And they've all liked your looks
With great lawyers you have
Discussed lepers and crooks
You've been through all of
F. Scott Fitzgerald's books
You're very well read
It's well known

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?

Well, the sword swallower, he comes up to you
And then he kneels
He crosses himself
And then he clicks his high heels
And without further notice
He asks you how it feels
And he says, "Here is your throat back
Thanks for the loan"

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?

Now you see this one-eyed midget
Shouting the word "NOW"
And you say, "For what reason?"
And he says, "How?"
And you say, "What does this mean?"
And he screams back, "You're a cow
Give me some milk
Or else go home"

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?

Well, you walk into the room
Like a camel and then you frown
You put your eyes in your pocket
And your nose on the ground
There ought to be a law
Against you comin' around
You should be made
To wear earphones

Because something is happening here
But you don't know what it is
Do you, Mister Jones?"

the deadly nostalgia outbreak

Okay, so i'm not going to stop myself from cribbing about my present life just because my sister reads this blog and will interrogate me as a result of this.

I wrote the above line this evening - sitting in a boring presentation about 3D animation. But now I am a few hours older and a bit wiser :)

It isn't me. It is everyone! I met five friends tonight and heard about at least half a dozen more people who are homesick. It is the weather - the air - that is getting to us. And my friend from Bangalore and I couldn't believe it when we realized we miss the same things about home - for her it's the MG road, and for me its all the jammed roads I frequented sitting alone in my car. I don't even have to close my eyes to feel how I felt waiting at the Adchini red-light when I was late for class - the mysterious maze of the beautiful roads around India gate - the GK market overflowing with cars on Friday evenings - and oh, the Dharamsala backlane with the weird potato and spinach momo sellers - the chai waala where I never had chai - and so much more about my lonely, busy lifestyle back home.

I really need to get out of here - and SOON!
I feel like watching "juno" or some other new film tomorrow or day after - and then maybe check out this sad place's night life!

I sat with friend Aki for almost four hours today after we sneaked out of that stupid presentation. We talked about our lives in America, and everything else. We have decided to make the best use of our time here despite everything. Amen!

I emailed my professors to clarify my sudden disinterest in class - I hope they get me.

half a day

Okay so I have been feeling low - the kind of low where you can't put your finger on the problem.

Anyways, so I had been thinking of talking to my Spanish professor about my Spain plan - and finally I did! But before my Spanish class I had to meet my professor who is also my employer and gives me a meagre pocket money.

We did the usual work-talk that primarily consists of him saying I will soon have that ready for you so that you can start working on it. And then he said do you have any questions. This is usually the part when I say no, I don't and see you later! But today, as I was not my usual self, I decided to indulge him.

I asked him about the next quarter - in a way confirming if it will be less-doomed than this one (don't believe me, this is the time I exaggerate). Then I told him about my vague idea for the spring film that he will help us make. He went on to talk about my idea for almost an hour. He gave me new thoughts and directions that I can start working on right away. He congratulated me on my idea - and said you better not change it now, because he loves it so much. I told him about the problems I'm facing in my classes, and he gave me lengthy, but sound advice. I left his room ten past noon for my Spanish class, feeling somewhat relieved. On the way, I ran into another professor who hasn't taught me any courses yet, but is lovely and supportive. So I see she's busy and leave her alone. Then I go on to my fifty minute Spanish class, fifteen minutes late. After the class I insist on giving my mid-term exam that I had missed last week. My professor wants me to give it tomorrow, but then she agrees. After the exam I sit with her and talk about everything - my study abroad plans, my classes, american undergrads etc. She too tries her best to make me feel better. I thank her and leave.

I realized today how I have all these nice people who are meant to guide me - all I have to do is ask :)

. . .

(Sigh)

I searched for anchors on this restless day.
Instead some memories came my way.
It isn't right or left
when I leave for somewhere.
It is mere eternal pain
for here when I'm there.

My head is numb.

I sit in the library coffee shop at seven thirty ante meridium.
Outside it is minus twelve degrees celsius - feels like minus twenty one.
I put my name on a list - I'm number five.

The moon was so big and round this morning - the sun looks small and weak. I was outside in the moon's blue cold light - the sun's incompetent rays fail to fool me. They hit me in my eyes - wrap around my hands as I type - but they can't fight the moon's leftover chill. The sun's rays convince me of their beauty, but not of their warmth. They are prudent on the this side of the world - saving their generosity for my delhi's winter months.

the indian male - yukk!

I know I mentioned this earlier, but I knew I will have to go deeper inside. Maybe it was the coincidence of my sis doing a post on the very same topic the same day; the topic being, how Indian men are really not nice.

To all the radical feminists out there - I know men generally have a lot of room for improvement - but believe you me, Indian men are hopeless!

Since this thought troubled me first, I have been paying extra attention to the behavior of men around me. I know I am at a nascent stage of research - but I think I have some important factors figured out.

The root of the problem lies obviously in the bringing up process - of both men and women. Young girls and boys are brought up fragmented from each other. The divide between them begins right from day one. The baby is not just a baby, it is either a girl, or if lady luck shows up, a boy! The realization of gender begins as soon as the doctor's/mid-wife's eyes land on the baby's genitals. This leads to a long stream of actions, increasing the gap between the two sexes forEVER!

Do you Indian women remember how you were made to sit separated from the other sex in class? Do you remember how the other girls would stare at you or bitch behind your back if you were spotted even remotely around a penis-possesing body? Do you remember how many girls in your school were known as "sluts" because they had "boyfriends"?

This problem relates to the fear in the fucking minds of the "powerful" (parents and teachers/principals) who believe that it is their divine duty to keep the girls and boys away from each other - to avoid the risk of them mistakenly/intentionally screwing each other! What these "powerful" actually succeed in doing is srewing up millions of lives everyday!

Here, in America, girls are not seperated from boys. They are brought up side by side - as kids. So the boys here DO NOT grow up to be sexually repressed just waiting to throw their sexual frustration at the next boob-ed body they see. They DO NOT see women as some lowly insect desperate for some dick-holder to give them orders.

I'm not saying American men are ideal - obviously NOT. They are just far better equipped for mature relationships with women than Indian men. You may find some exceptionally balanced, mature Indian men - but that's what it would be - an EXCEPTION!

So for the record - all you disgusting Indian men, who have grown up all wrong and have no hope for the future, go FUCK YOURSELVES!

just like that

I'm getting the hang of it.

Today's shoot went well. I was the AD. The director was extremely vague, which is not good for his grade, but was great for me. He didn't do much planning - so made my job easy. The only part of the shoot that he was concerned about was food - which was excellent! His health conscious girlfriend made us delicious wraps, chocolate dipped strawberries, rice cakes and what not.

So anyways, I had a thought today. I think American men are generally more respectful to women than Indian men. Be it strange men on the bus or classmates. They don't stare - or letch - or whistle - or make you uncomfortable. They see you as a human being. Can you understand the significance of this difference?

haunted history

I just used my credit card!

I've always been against the idea of using credit cards. I never wanted one - even though my father wanted me to have one years ago. I don't like the idea of having a magical bottomless source of money. It makes me uncomfortable. I like limitations. So that I can work around them. Live with them. Fight them even.

Cut to united states of america. The land of debt. Where credit cards are synonymous with bankruptcy. I come here determined to protect myself from the credit trap. Very soon I move from using cash to going totally plastic with my debit card - still staying away from credit. I hear people talking about building a credit history - and I think these people think too far ahead in time. I don't plan on taking loans or buying a mortgaged house anytime soon. Why do I need a credit history?!

Cut to the phone store - where I go to get a new phone connection for myself. I am told that I haven't been in this country long enough, and I don't have a credit history - so I will have to pay a crazy amount as security deposit. As I pay that money, realization dawns that credit cards are non-evasive in this country. You just can't escape them. They are a reflection of your character. A record of your behavior. As significant a part of your life as anything else - having an impact on your personal and professional life. I've seen relationships make and break (thanks to reality TV) on the basis of credit histories!

So I get myself a credit card. And today I decide to use it and begin the creation of my history - with a spicy italian pizza!


On a different note: It feels awful when I am made to do things I don't want to do. But in this case, since I've chosen to be here, I have to live by their rules...until I find a way out ;)

conned in new york

Lots of pending posts but this one is urgent.

The first person I speak to in NYC turns out to be a con-man! And I get to be the lucky victim!

We were standing in the taxi line for what felt like an eternity when a nicely dressed man comes promising us a ride to our hotel. The relieved me followed him down the street and the rest of the process of his con-act is too painful to describe. In short, this man made $40 in less than 5 minutes and vanished in thin air. Thankfully he left us with all our luggage and a taxi with an old Pakistani driver. I sat through the long ride feeling almost more stupid than ever before.

My first taste of the big city. I felt so exposed - so vulnerable. The many cars, people and big buildings reminded me about life back in Delhi - where a lost life is nothing extraordinary. Such a scary feeling. But I also dreamed of a day when I will know this city like the back of my hand - when I will know who to trust and how to survive. It is so alive. I think I should be ready for it in about three years time :)

twenty seventh of december

Today has been an eventful day.

My sister's birthday. She turned 26 today. Sounds so cool. I had planned a surprise for her. A VIP tour in a cool winery. She loves wine and always wants to learn more about it, so this was perfect for her. And I'm glad the day went well and she had a really good time smelling and spitting out numerous wines. The wine-maker and his assistant gave us a lovely tour and shared all their knowledge about wine and the process of making it! The place was so beautiful despite it being winter. I was worried it won't look half as nice as it does during Fall. The weather was lovely and the whole trip was just perfect.

Benazir Bhutto dies. I hear this news in the morning when we were waiting for our Greyhound. I was shocked. It makes sense and I was expecting this news but was still very shocking. Another one bites the dust - Another one bites the dust - And another one gone and another one gone - Another one bites the dust...

My sister finds her favorite glove. She was wearing the gloves this morning and dropped one somewhere. We went back to look but couldn't see it anywhere. We gave up and went ahead to another bus ride out of town, took the wine tour, another bus ride back to town and while walking to take the bus home my sister remembers the glove. I tell her to forget about it. Just then she spots it on the side of the pavement! Unbelievable!

I commit a felony! The border police decide to carry out a random check in my greyhound bus. Thankfully my sister was carrying her passport with her tourist visa in it. I of course go around thinking I have a right to be here. I hardly think of myself as an alien anymore. Why then am I expected to produce my I-20 for no fault of mine?! Though I did feel insulted, I do realize that I commit a felony if I travel without my immigration documents. No matter how unfair it sounds and feels, I guess it is for our own good - for our own safety?!?! Here I go again - talking the language the rulers of the world want me to talk - "I am unsafe and I give up my rights willingly so that you can protect me"!

So it was a good day - and we're going out for dinner now - hopefully there won't be any more events to report for today..
Buenas noches amigas y amigos :)